The Snow White Trailer - Nightmare Fuel

Fun Times

1 year ago

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00:00Well, it had to happen sooner or later I guess.

00:21Just like a post-honour kebab dump that you've been desperately holding in until you can

00:25get back to the quiet sanctity of your own bathroom to let rip with a toilet-cracking

00:30explosion of...

00:32LIQUID FILTH

00:33Disney knew that they were going to have to release a trailer for Snow White sooner

00:37or later, and well, it went about as well as you might expect.

00:41Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen a movie make so many missteps and receive

00:47such nuclear-level backlash in my entire career, from the laughably bad leaked photographs

00:53to the tiresome, updated-for-modern-audiences premise to the gratingly unpleasant interviews

00:59with the lead actress and even the baffling decision not to cast dwarf actors for fear

01:04of offending Peter Dinklage.

01:07Snow White really was the perfect storm of everything so painfully predictable and ridiculous

01:11about modern entertainment, twisting and contorting itself into something barely recognisable

01:17from the original in a desperate attempt to pander to absolutely everyone.

01:21And when the announcement came that the project was going to be delayed by more than a year,

01:26almost certainly in response to the massive amount of negative publicity, it honestly

01:30seemed like they might just shitcan the whole thing.

01:33Because really, what was the point in pressing ahead with a movie that everyone in the world

01:37seemed to despise?

01:38How many hundreds of millions of dollars were you willing to lose just to make a point?

01:42Well, we got our answer at Disney's recent D23 Expo, their annual get-together where

01:47they announce a bunch of shit projects that nobody wants, and try to pretend that the

01:51company isn't falling down around their ears.

01:54Anyway, after basically going radio silent on this movie for almost a year and hoping

01:58that the backlash would die down, Disney decided that the time was right to release their first

02:03trailer.

02:04And in case you were wondering, yes, it was just as gaudily oversaturated with eye-damaging

02:09colours, just as laden with fake, edgy, self-important music, just as crammed full of eerily uncanny

02:15CGI animals that looked great in cartoon form but weird and unnatural in live-action

02:20as you might expect.

02:22And yes, there was no sign of Prince Charming, because I think Rachel Zegler's made her

02:26thoughts on that character pretty clear already.

02:29All of Andrew's scenes could get cut, who knows?

02:31It's Hollywood, baby.

02:33And as for the dwarves, sorry diverse, magical, gender-nonconforming, vertically-challenged

02:40individuals, these things are absolute nightmare fuel.

02:44I mean, just look at them.

02:45Look at how jerky and unnatural their movements are.

02:48Look at their weird, rubbery, soulless faces.

02:51It's like watching an interview with Kevin Feige.

02:54They would have looked bad enough in a purely animated movie, but the fact that they're

02:58superimposed next to an actual human being, so that we can very clearly see how fake they

03:02look, is just further proof that the entire concept behind this movie was a horrifically

03:07bad idea.

03:08I mean, just pause for a moment and imagine how much better and more natural this scene

03:12would have looked, not to mention how much cheaper it would have been to film if they'd

03:16just shot it on an actual physical set and used actual dwarf actors.

03:21It would have given Rachel Zegler something to actually play against, instead of the horrifying

03:25reality that she was almost certainly dancing by herself in a big empty room for this sequence,

03:31with some tennis balls on sticks as a visual reference for the dwarves.

03:35On that subject actually, old Rachel's been suspiciously quiet in recent months, almost

03:40like she's been told by Disney that every time she opens her mouth and expresses another

03:44dumb, entitled, disrespectful and poorly thought out opinion, she actively shaves millions

03:49of dollars off the film's box office total.

03:52The last time she made a major appearance in relation to this film, it was during a

03:56very carefully controlled conversation with Halle Bailey, and if you know anything about

04:00body language and tone of voice, it's pretty funny to compare the quiet, demure, soft-spoken

04:06and thoughtful Zegler in that interview with the brash, outspoken, abrasively overconfident

04:11version we saw just a few months earlier.

04:36That, my friends, is what happens when someone gets the mother of all bollickins from their

04:51boss.

04:52It's Hollywood, baby.

04:56The movie was always going to have a problem framing the central conflict of an evil stepmother

05:00jealous of Snow White's otherworldly beauty, when said stepmother was played by Gal Gadot,

05:05one of the most famously beautiful actresses in Hollywood today, and Snow White was played

05:10by...well, you get the picture.

05:13Fortunately though, the trailer manages to completely...emphasise the problem even more.

05:18Yes, I know that Fairest of Them All in this case is meant to represent truth and justice

05:23and leadership, or something equally vague and intangible that's been awkwardly ported

05:28into a narrative that totally doesn't support it, but that concept is not conveyed here

05:32at all.

05:34It's the cinematic equivalent of putting a Lamborghini next to a Ford Escort and implying

05:38the Lamborghini is the one that feels jealous.

05:41Somehow I don't think people are going to buy into this.

05:44Also, you've got to love the revamped version of the Whistle While You Work song that leaked

05:48online a couple of days ago.

05:50It's basically the perfect distillation of everything that's designed for modern

05:54audiences.

05:55And in case you're curious about the difference, check out this little side-by-side comparison.

06:00Now you wash the dishes.

06:02Now you wash the dishes.

06:04You tidy up the room.

06:06You tidy up the room.

06:08You clean the fireplace.

06:10You clean those cobwebs.

06:12And I'll use the broom.

06:14And he'll use the broom.

06:18Notice how in the original movie Snow White offers to clean up the Dwarf's home with

06:23a little help from her animal friends.

06:26It's a little token of respect and appreciation on her part in return for giving her food

06:30and shelter.

06:31But the horrifying notion of a woman doing any kind of domestic chores, even as a temporary

06:36response to a very specific situation, clearly doesn't gel with modern sensibilities.

06:42Because as we all know, modern independent women would never be seen dead sweeping up,

06:47or tidying, or cleaning dirty dishes.

06:49All of that stuff just kind of... happens by itself now I guess.

06:53So in the new version, she forces the Dwarves themselves to clean up the place.

06:58That's right, they take her into their home, offer her protection and food and everything

07:01else she needs, and in return she forces them to do even more work for her.

07:06This is the point at which identity politics, storytelling and simple common sense all come

07:11into conflict with each other, and the latter two are sacrificed in favour of the former.

07:15Anyway, whatever.

07:16The point here is that if this trailer was Disney's big shot at turning around public

07:20opinion of their least popular movie since the Marvels, then I don't think it's accomplished

07:25its mission.

07:26In fact, it's just further proof that they should probably do their shareholders a favour

07:30and back girl this thing out of existence.

07:33It will not be missed.

07:35Anyway, that's all I've got for today.

07:39Go away now.

The Snow White Trailer - Nightmare Fuel

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