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00:02:31Christ have mercy upon us.

00:02:33Lord have mercy upon us.

00:02:35Our Father.

00:02:37Our Father which art in heaven.

00:02:39Dear God, there's something I want to ask you.

00:02:43Of course you know what it is, because you know everything that's going to happen before it happens.

00:02:47So there's really no need to ask you, but I thought I'd ask you in any case.

00:02:52Now you know that I believe in you, but I was wondering if you could give me just a little sign.

00:02:58♪

00:03:04I mean I'm not saying that if you don't give me the sign that I won't believe in you, I'm not threatening you or anything like that.

00:03:10But please, please give me enough courage to speak to Margaret Spencer and get to know her.

00:03:16Oh God may clean our hearts within us.

00:03:19And take not thy Holy Spirit from us.

00:03:22♪

00:03:27Miss Spencer, I wonder if I could have a word with you.

00:03:32There's something I've got to tell you.

00:03:34Something I've got to bring out into the open.

00:03:37I've been bottling it up inside me too long and there's no point in hiding it anymore.

00:03:43For six years now, ever since you came to Wimperys, I've been in love with you.

00:03:51I only live to hear your voice.

00:03:53One cheeseburger, one shanty, one portion French fries.

00:03:57Each time you speak, it's like a thousand violins playing in the halls of heaven.

00:04:02I love you, Miss Spencer.

00:04:05I love everything about you.

00:04:07The way you walk, your sweet smile, your easy grace and charm.

00:04:13Wimpy burgers twice, one MR, one well, heavy on the onions.

00:04:18I wish I could take you away from all this.

00:04:21I'd like us to start a new life together.

00:04:23A little house of our own, a car, the two of us against the world.

00:04:28Joined forevermore in holy wedlock.

00:04:37Miss Spencer.

00:04:38What?

00:04:45Nothing.

00:04:47Come on.

00:05:18Good evening.

00:05:19I couldn't help noticing that you were making an unsuccessful suicide bed.

00:05:23What are you doing in my room?

00:05:24What do you want?

00:05:25I'm here to help you, Mr. Moon.

00:05:26No, I don't want any help.

00:05:27Please go away.

00:05:28Oh, all right.

00:05:29I just thought you might be interested in a little matter of a million pounds.

00:05:33A million pounds?

00:05:38Don't let me interfere with your doing away with yourself.

00:05:40No, hold on.

00:05:41I'm not doing away with myself.

00:05:44Don't let me interfere with your doing away with yourself.

00:05:46No, hold on.

00:05:47What's this about a million pounds?

00:05:48May I come in?

00:05:49Yes, please do.

00:05:50Thank you.

00:05:51I wonder if you'd mind taking my cloak.

00:05:54Hang it somewhere dry, would you?

00:05:58Might I sit down?

00:05:59Oh, do.

00:06:01Thank you.

00:06:03It's a very nasty little place you've got here.

00:06:05Oh, thank you.

00:06:06What's this about a million pounds?

00:06:08A million pounds, yes.

00:06:10You remember your great-great-great-grandfather?

00:06:12Well, I never even met my father.

00:06:14How very sad.

00:06:16Excuse me.

00:06:19In all events, your great-great-great-grandfather, Ephraim Moon,

00:06:23sailed for Australia in 1782 on a ship of the line.

00:06:26Set himself up as an apothecary.

00:06:28The business flourished, and by the time he died,

00:06:30it was worth something in the region of 2,000 pounds.

00:06:33A large amount in those days.

00:06:35Yes.

00:06:36Your great-great-grandfather, Cedric Moon,

00:06:38by skillful management and careful husbandry,

00:06:41increased that sum a hundredfold.

00:06:43This, in turn, was inherited by your great-grandfather, Desmond Moon,

00:06:47who expanded, diversified,

00:06:49and built up a personal fortune of well over a million pounds.

00:06:54That's a lot of money.

00:06:56A great deal of money, Mr Moon.

00:06:59And this gigantic sum was inherited by your grandfather, Hubert Moon,

00:07:05who returned to London and fritted it away on wine, women and loose living.

00:07:10Um, where does that leave me, then?

00:07:13Penalist and on the brink of suicide.

00:07:20You get out of here before I call the police.

00:07:23Before you call the what?

00:07:24Before I call the police.

00:07:26You realise that suicide's a criminal offence?

00:07:28In less enlightened times, they'd have hung you for it.

00:07:33Look, exactly what do you want?

00:07:35I told you. Seriously, I want to help you.

00:07:38Unburden yourself. It does you good to share your problems.

00:07:41What interest is it to you?

00:07:44Please go away.

00:07:46I'm interested in everybody.

00:07:48Please tell me, what drove you to this desperate act?

00:07:51All right, I'll tell you.

00:07:52I'm miserable.

00:07:54I've got a boring job, no money, no prospects,

00:07:57I haven't got a girlfriend, I can't get to know anyone,

00:08:00and no-one wants to get to know me, and everything is hopeless.

00:08:03All right? Satisfied?

00:08:05And if you really want to help me, you can get me a sock for this pipe.

00:08:08Oh, yes, they're in the top left-hand drawer, aren't they?

00:08:11Yeah.

00:08:13But suicide, Mr Moon, really, really, really,

00:08:16that's the last thing you should do.

00:08:18Don't you think it's taking the easy way out?

00:08:21Easy way out?

00:08:23What's easy about it?

00:08:25Look, the bleeding pipe's broken.

00:08:27Can't even manage to kill myself.

00:08:30Let's face it, Mr Moon, you're a complete failure.

00:08:33Yes.

00:08:34Oh, I'll fix that.

00:08:37You know that million pounds I mentioned?

00:08:39Yeah?

00:08:40I wasn't joking.

00:08:42I could give you that and more.

00:08:44Everything you've ever seen in the advertisements.

00:08:46Fast white convertibles,

00:08:48blonde women, their hair trailing in the wind,

00:08:51wafer thin after-dinner chocolates.

00:08:53If you had all that, would you be any happier?

00:08:56What are you on about?

00:08:58Would the words Prince of Darkness mean anything to you?

00:09:01Beelzebub?

00:09:02Mephistopheles?

00:09:03The Horned One?

00:09:06I know you've escaped from somewhere.

00:09:08No, I haven't, Mr Moon.

00:09:10I'm the Horned One.

00:09:11The Devil.

00:09:12Let me give you my card.

00:09:17Oh, yes, the Devil.

00:09:18Of course.

00:09:19Said he'd hold me.

00:09:22Oh, blimey, I left my hanky at Wimpy's.

00:09:24I wonder if you'd excuse me.

00:09:26Don't rush away, Mr Moon.

00:09:27You're a nutcase.

00:09:28You're a bleeding nutcase.

00:09:30They said the same of Jesus Christ, Freud and Galileo.

00:09:33They said it of a lot of nutcases too.

00:09:35You're not as stupid as you look, are you, Mr Moon?

00:09:38What can I do to convince you that I'm the Devil?

00:09:41Supposing I granted you your dearest wish here and now.

00:09:45What about that girl at Wimpy's?

00:09:47Margaret Spencer?

00:09:48Yes.

00:09:49How do you know about her?

00:09:51And how do you know so much about me, where my socks are,

00:09:53and who my grandfather was and everything?

00:09:56I told you, I've been taking an interest in you.

00:09:59Look, well, supposing I gave you a trial wish.

00:10:02No obligation on your part, just to get acquainted.

00:10:05Is there anything in the world you really desire?

00:10:08Margaret Spencer?

00:10:09Aside from Margaret Spencer.

00:10:10We'll save her till later when you sign.

00:10:12Anything else?

00:10:14A Frobisher and Gleeson raspberry-flavoured ice lolly.

00:10:18Very well, Mr Moon.

00:10:19Conclusively to prove that I am indeed the Unholy One,

00:10:23a Frobisher and Gleeson raspberry-flavoured ice lolly

00:10:26shall be yours in a trice.

00:10:37Here you are.

00:10:38Thank you.

00:10:39Oh, um, have you got sixpence?

00:10:42I've only got a million pound note.

00:10:44Thank you.

00:10:45Ta.

00:10:46Convinced?

00:10:47Do me a favour.

00:10:49I could have done that myself.

00:10:51I thought you were going to conjure it up.

00:10:53You're just like all the rest, aren't you?

00:10:55No proof is good enough.

00:10:57Oh, what a miracle!

00:10:59Reign of toads or something.

00:11:01All right, then.

00:11:02Which of the cheap tricks is it going to be?

00:11:05Whine into water?

00:11:06Stick into serpent?

00:11:07How about flying through space at the speed of light?

00:11:10How about you checking into the nearest loony bin for a few weeks' holiday?

00:11:14Oh, ye of little faith, Moon.

00:11:16You're not wearing nylon underwear, are you?

00:11:18Why?

00:11:19It disintegrates at high speeds.

00:11:21Prepare yourself.

00:11:22The magic words LBJ.

00:11:26Here, my ice lolly's melted.

00:11:30You really must be the devil.

00:11:32Incarnate.

00:11:33How do you do?

00:11:34Oh, how do you do?

00:11:41Where are we? Is this hell?

00:11:43Just my London headquarters.

00:11:46That's not your name, is it?

00:11:48George Spigot?

00:11:51Come on in.

00:11:52It's one of my many earthly pseudoplumes, or nom-de-lums.

00:11:55I thought you were called Lucifer.

00:11:57I know, the bringer of the light it used to be.

00:11:59Sounded a bit puffy to me.

00:12:01God keeps changing his name, too, you know.

00:12:03He used to be called the Word.

00:12:04Yeah, in the beginning he was the Word.

00:12:06And the Word was God.

00:12:07Was there just a Word hanging about in space, then?

00:12:10I suppose so.

00:12:11I wasn't there.

00:12:12What's it mean, the Word?

00:12:14What does Stanley Moon mean?

00:12:16Evening, Anger.

00:12:21It's all right, Anger. He's with me.

00:12:24Come in, Mr Moon.

00:12:26I'd like you to meet Anger.

00:12:28He works for me.

00:12:29How do you do? Pleased to meet you.

00:12:31Watch it, that's all.

00:12:36This is the club room.

00:12:38It's quite nicely decorated and painted.

00:12:41Early Hitler.

00:12:42Now, what about my little proposition?

00:12:44All I want from you is something you probably don't even realise you have.

00:12:47I'm talking about your soul.

00:12:49My soul?

00:12:50Yes.

00:12:51Like you collect moths, I collect souls.

00:12:55I'd like to add yours to my collection.

00:12:58What are you doing?

00:12:59Just a bit of routine mischief.

00:13:01Now then, what about your soul?

00:13:03Well, I don't know where it is or how to get hold of it.

00:13:07Exactly.

00:13:08And all I want from you is the exclusive global and universal rights to it.

00:13:13But if you took it out, wouldn't it hurt?

00:13:15It's a painless operation.

00:13:17And afterwards, you won't feel a thing.

00:13:19Besides, it's been no earthly good to you, has it?

00:13:22I'd like to look at the contract.

00:13:23Yes, please.

00:13:24There we are.

00:13:25You see, your soul's rather like your appendix.

00:13:27Totally expendable.

00:13:29There was a time when it did have a function,

00:13:31but nowadays the vast majority of people never use it.

00:13:37It looks a bit complicated.

00:13:40It looks a bit complicated.

00:13:42It's the standard contract.

00:13:44Gives you seven wishes in accordance with the mystic rules of life.

00:13:47Seven days of the week, seven deadly sins, seven seas, seven brides for seven brothers.

00:13:51Look, if you're not interested, I'm sure there's thousands of others who'd jump at the opportunity.

00:13:58No, it's just a bit sudden, that's all.

00:14:00Read it through in your own time.

00:14:03I, Stanley Moon.

00:14:05Hereinafter and in the hereafter to be known as the Damned.

00:14:10The Damned?

00:14:11It's a form of words, legal jargon.

00:14:15Do you want that I am the sole owner of my soul?

00:14:20But, but what about Margaret?

00:14:22Do you promise that I'll have her all to myself?

00:14:24Sign that.

00:14:27And Margaret Spencer.

00:14:29And Margaret Spencer will be yours.

00:14:33Dear Miss Spencer, this is just to say cheerio.

00:14:37Yours sincerely, Stanley Moon.

00:14:40P.S. I leave you my collection of moths.

00:14:44Just how well did you know Mr. Moon?

00:14:47Not at all, really. I used to see him at Wimpy's.

00:14:50But it does seem that of all the people in his life, you were the closest to him.

00:14:53I mean, why else would he leave you that note?

00:14:55I suppose that must be true.

00:14:58How awful.

00:15:00Have you any idea why he contemplated this rash act?

00:15:03Can't say, really.

00:15:05At work he always seemed so calm and quiet.

00:15:08Sorry to be so blunt, Miss Spencer,

00:15:10but are you sure you're not concealing your relationship with the would-be deceased?

00:15:14It wasn't a relationship.

00:15:16I scarcely knew the man.

00:15:20What are you doing all that measuring for?

00:15:22Eh?

00:15:23Oh, we always do this, Miss Spencer.

00:15:25You'd be amazed how often it pays off.

00:15:27Now, did you say anything that might have upset him?

00:15:30Can you remember your exact last words to him?

00:15:33I think it was...

00:15:35Wimpy burgers twice, one MR, one well, heavy on the onions.

00:15:40Yes, I think I'm beginning to get the picture.

00:15:44It all seems to be quite straightforward.

00:15:46Good. All we need to do now, then, is get it witnessed.

00:15:51Sloth would be best. He's a lawyer.

00:15:59Come on, now, Sloth!

00:16:01Wake up, you idle, great slob!

00:16:04Here are all your staff like this.

00:16:06That's the trouble. I can't get any decent help these days.

00:16:09God's laughing, of course.

00:16:11All he has to do is raise his little finger,

00:16:13he's got a thousand sycophantic, prissy little angels dancing round his beck and call.

00:16:18I'm lumbered with anger and sloth.

00:16:20Wake up, you lazy, legal layabout!

00:16:23Get up! Wake up!

00:16:29Yeah, well, this is Stanley Moon.

00:16:31He's selling me his soul.

00:16:33And I want you to witness it on this document.

00:16:36I want you to do some writing. That's your 40, isn't it?

00:16:39Writing, where it says, in the presence of your signature, your name.

00:16:44Remember that one? Sloth.

00:16:46Sloth.

00:16:48S-L-O-T-H.

00:16:56Right, very nice. Now it's your turn.

00:17:02There's just one thing, though.

00:17:04You're not having second thoughts, are you?

00:17:06No, but shouldn't I sign it in blood?

00:17:08Blimey, you are a traditionalist.

00:17:10All right, then.

00:17:12Let's use some of his. He'll never notice.

00:17:16There we are. Help yourself.

00:17:26Well done.

00:17:28Welcome to the club.

00:17:30When can I get started on my wishes?

00:17:32Soon as you like.

00:17:34And if by any chance you become dissatisfied,

00:17:37all you have to do is go...

00:17:39Just go...

00:17:40You just go...

00:17:42This will terminate your wish and bring you back to me, wherever I am.

00:17:45Here we are. M.

00:17:47Let's see.

00:17:49Machiavelli, McCarthy, Mays, Miller, Moses...

00:17:53Moses?

00:17:54Irving Moses, the fruiterer.

00:17:56Here's moon.

00:17:57This moon.

00:17:59That's you, by the way.

00:18:01Now, then, what do you like to be first?

00:18:03Prime Minister?

00:18:04Oh, no, I've made that deal already.

00:18:06Um, I don't know, really.

00:18:09It's just that I'm not very good with words.

00:18:12You know, I didn't have very much of an education.

00:18:16And I'm a bit, um...

00:18:23I'm just a bit...

00:18:24Inarticulate.

00:18:26Yes, that's it, I think.

00:18:29And you'd like to be the sort of person who can use words like inarticulate.

00:18:32Yeah, I'd like to be able to talk to Margaret and tell her how I feel.

00:18:37An intellectual who can get his ideas across to the one he loves.

00:18:40Yes, that's it.

00:18:41Easily done.

00:18:42Now, then, you just stand over here by the bird.

00:18:45Put your right hand on its left claw.

00:18:48Okay, lights out!

00:18:51Take this!

00:18:53Ooh, ooh.

00:18:55Am I going to explode?

00:18:56No, no, it's quite safe.

00:18:57I just put it there for a bit of visual excitement.

00:18:59It's not going to hurt, is it?

00:19:00Not a bit.

00:19:02Hold tight!

00:19:04The magic words!

00:19:06Julie Andrews!

00:19:09I could stand and watch them for hours.

00:19:10They're such beautiful hands!

00:19:12Mm, such fantastic delicacy, you see.

00:19:15But combined as well with this almost preternatural strength.

00:19:20Does it make you sad to see animals caged up like this?

00:19:24Well, in a way, but you know, quite honestly, they're really no worse off than most of us.

00:19:30How do you mean?

00:19:32Well, metaphorically speaking and in a very real sense, society creates its own cages.

00:19:39You know, cages of the mind.

00:19:41Yes.

00:19:42A curious, curious kind of cerebral captivity.

00:19:45Buy a flower, madam.

00:19:47Oh, um, what's it for?

00:19:49Depraved criminals.

00:19:51You see, civilization has had the effect of inhibiting our deepest natural animal instincts, you see.

00:20:01The conventions of an ordered society have made us lose what Freud calls our...

00:20:10Well, it's a bit of a mouthful, isn't it?

00:20:12Must have been a marvellous man.

00:20:14Oh, yes, one of the seminal forces.

00:20:17Um, as Rousseau said, we must learn to unlearn.

00:20:22Because only by unlearning can we really learn to be...

00:20:27Your ideas are so exciting!

00:20:29Oh, what a fabulous room!

00:20:35Marvellous!

00:20:36Do you like it?

00:20:37Oh, I love it.

00:20:39It's so right.

00:20:41I mean, it's you.

00:20:43The moment I walked in, everything about it says Stanley.

00:20:46This room is you.

00:20:48It's a bit untidy, a bit of a mess, but we bachelors have to fend for ourselves, you know.

00:20:54Oh, Brahms!

00:20:56I can't believe it, you too!

00:20:59Oh, absolutely, Lauren.

00:21:02He has a virile romanticism that I find irresistible.

00:21:07Oh, Brahms is just so fantastic.

00:21:11Whenever I feel tense or anything, I put him on and just sprawl on the carpet and let him flow all over me.

00:21:17Would you like a little taste of him now, then?

00:21:19Please!

00:21:20Not that I'm tense or anything.

00:21:22It's just that it would make me even less tense.

00:21:43Go on.

00:21:45Lay down.

00:21:47Oh, I didn't mean...

00:21:52Let it hang.

00:21:53Let it hang.

00:22:19I don't know why he brings the flute in there.

00:22:23It's a French horn, actually.

00:22:26Oh, silly of me.

00:22:28No, no, no, no. Goodness gracious.

00:22:30A French horn can sound incredibly like a flute, you know.

00:22:34In fact, not many people notice the flute-like qualities of a French horn.

00:22:42It's sensual, evocative.

00:22:46One can almost see the trees and the sunlight dappling through.

00:22:51And a little brook.

00:22:54And what's that?

00:22:56A powerful young stag darts into the clearing, raises his antlers and edges closer to his door.

00:23:07Oh, gee, that record was new this morning.

00:23:14Where did you get that fantastic thing?

00:23:19It is nice, isn't it?

00:23:21Oh, it's beautiful.

00:23:24I got it off a stall, actually.

00:23:26Just saw it there and had to have it.

00:23:30I'm rather like that, you know. I see something I want and that's it for you.

00:23:35Have to have it.

00:23:36Me too.

00:23:38Yes, you too.

00:23:43Have a look at it.

00:23:45Thank you.

00:23:46Bit of a weight, isn't it?

00:23:49It's so smooth and cool.

00:23:52Yes, that's the extraordinary thing about marble.

00:23:55It's always 11 degrees cooler than the air that surrounds it.

00:23:59Fahrenheit, of course.

00:24:03Do you like feeling things?

00:24:06Oh, yes, I'm a very tactile person.

00:24:10I love touching things.

00:24:12Sometimes I go into the forest and shut my eyes and just wander around touching trees and grass and boulders.

00:24:22You should try it.

00:24:24Do it in here.

00:24:26Go on, shut your eyes.

00:24:34Now feel something hard.

00:24:36Oh.

00:24:38Oh.

00:24:40I'm feeling something terribly hard. It's fantastic.

00:24:45Oh.

00:24:46Now feel something soft.

00:24:49Oh.

00:24:50Oh.

00:24:51My goodness gracious me.

00:24:54Oh, it's unbelievable.

00:24:57Oh, the contrast.

00:25:00I've never felt anything so exciting in my life.

00:25:03Yeah.

00:25:05I love it.

00:25:06Feel my thigh.

00:25:14Oh.

00:25:15Oh.

00:25:17It's delicious.

00:25:19It's so wild.

00:25:22It really does something to me.

00:25:28Well, I suppose after all that touching you could do with something to drink.

00:25:32Please.

00:25:33What would you like?

00:25:34Cinzano.

00:25:35Fantastic.

00:25:38One sip of Cinzano and I'm in Italy.

00:25:45Freedom of it.

00:25:46The sun beating down.

00:25:49The incredible thing about the Italians, you know, is the way they touch each other.

00:25:53Have you an order, sir?

00:25:54Yes, dear.

00:25:58The Anglo-Saxons have lost the art of touching each other.

00:26:02I mean, if someone wants to touch somebody else, then they should go right ahead and touch them.

00:26:08I mean, it's a healthy, human thing to do.

00:26:11You're so right.

00:26:12There's a tribe in Africa who never say a word.

00:26:15They just touch each other.

00:26:17That's how they communicate.

00:26:18Life is far too complicated.

00:26:20I think we should get down to basic elements.

00:26:23I mean, for example, if you were a girl and I...

00:26:29I'm a girl.

00:26:30Well, of course.

00:26:35All right.

00:26:37If you were a girl, which of course you are,

00:26:41and if I were a man, well, for argument's sake, let's say I am,

00:26:45and I wanted to touch you, well, I wouldn't feel restrained.

00:26:51I mean, I'd just go right ahead and touch you.

00:26:57You see, that's how I am.

00:26:59I feel the same way.

00:27:00I mean, if two adult human beings want to touch each other,

00:27:05they should go ahead and touch each other.

00:27:07Well, I hold back.

00:27:08Yes.

00:27:11This afternoon has been so perfect.

00:27:15Cinzano at the zoo.

00:27:17The music, the touching.

00:27:20And you're so right about the animals.

00:27:22I mean, that's what we are,

00:27:24deep down underneath our sophisticated civilization.

00:27:29And we should behave like they do.

00:27:31Of course.

00:27:32I mean, the fact that it's seven minutes past three in the afternoon

00:27:36wouldn't make any difference to a goat.

00:27:39I mean, old Billy wouldn't stop to think what time of day it was, would he?

00:27:43He just goes right ahead and does what it feels like.

00:27:47Really, what are people waiting for?

00:27:49I want to live.

00:27:50That's what matters, living.

00:27:51I want to do everything, be everything, feel everything.

00:27:58No, no, Margaret.

00:27:59Margaret, the animals, the goats, the touching.

00:28:17Hello.

00:28:18Hello, Stanley. I won't be a minute.

00:28:20How do I get down from here?

00:28:21You're quite safe. It's only a 300-foot drop.

00:28:26What am I doing in this costume?

00:28:28I thought you ought to dress for the occasion.

00:28:30Come on, my darling. Out you come.

00:28:33There we are.

00:28:36What did you say?

00:28:37I just said...

00:28:39What's that mean?

00:28:40It's pigeon talk. I'm just issuing instructions.

00:28:43I'm going for a double tempt, actually.

00:28:45Like to come and watch?

00:28:47Come over here.

00:28:48No need to be frightened. You won't fall.

00:28:50Hold on to your belt, if you like.

00:28:52Up you come.

00:28:56There we are.

00:28:58Now, you see that man over there?

00:29:00Yes.

00:29:01And you see this pigeon?

00:29:02Yes.

00:29:03Well, this is a classic double tempt situation.

00:29:05With a bit of luck, I can get two sins for the price of one.

00:29:08Spite from the perpetrating pigeon and anger from the victim.

00:29:11It's terrific.

00:29:12Are you trying to tell me you want that pigeon to do his doodads on that man's head?

00:29:17That's right.

00:29:18All right, birdie. Remember what I said.

00:29:20Target in range.

00:29:22All systems, go!

00:29:26Release your doodads!

00:29:34What a pathetic thing to do.

00:29:36But if you're the devil, why didn't you go for that vicar down there?

00:29:39Oh, no. He's one of ours.

00:29:42Is this your idea of having fun?

00:29:44Tempting pigeons?

00:29:47Banal as it may seem, Stanley, it is my job.

00:29:51I don't know.

00:29:53If it hadn't been for you, we'd still be blissfully wandering about naked in paradise.

00:29:59You're welcome, mate.

00:30:00The Garden of Eden was a boggy swamp just south of Croydon.

00:30:03You can see it over there.

00:30:05Adam and Eve were happy enough?

00:30:07I'll tell you why. They were pig ignorant.

00:30:09Come on, my darling. Out you go and do something really nasty.

00:30:14Oh, how'd you get on with Margaret Spencer?

00:30:17I was wondering when you'd ask me that.

00:30:19It was terrible. I was so frustrated.

00:30:22I had all these words and ideas and she listened to them and agreed with them,

00:30:27but when I touched her, she screamed.

00:30:29Let me tell you something, Stanley.

00:30:31As far as sex is concerned, patience is a virtue.

00:30:34I wanted her so much, I just couldn't wait.

00:30:36Let me give you a tip. Come here.

00:30:39In the words of Marcel Proust,

00:30:41and this applies to any woman in the world,

00:30:43if you can stay up and listen with a fair degree of attention to whatever garbage,

00:30:48no matter how stupid it is that they're coming out with,

00:30:51till ten minutes past four in the morning, you're in.

00:30:55Ten minutes past four in the morning and you're there?

00:30:58It never fails.

00:31:00Oh, that Margaret's such a gorgeous girl.

00:31:04Isn't she lovely?

00:31:05I'd like to know what she's doing right now.

00:31:07Well, that can be arranged.

00:31:10Let's just get this out.

00:31:12What's that?

00:31:13Galileo's wonderful little invention.

00:31:15Have you got sixpence?

00:31:18Yes.

00:31:20Have a peer through that.

00:31:24There we are.

00:31:27Come on, Roberts, put your back into it.

00:31:30It's very good of you to spend so much time on this.

00:31:33Shh.

00:31:34Oh, that's why we're here, Miss Spencer.

00:31:36To help people out, or fish people out, rather.

00:31:39Excuse me, Miss Spencer.

00:31:41You see, people get the wrong idea about the police.

00:31:43We're all human beings as well, you know.

00:31:47No.

00:31:48We like the public to think of us as their friends.

00:31:51I'm sure we all do, Inspector.

00:31:53Why don't you call me Reg?

00:31:55All right, Reg.

00:31:57And you must call me Margaret.

00:31:59Yes, she told him to call her Margaret.

00:32:01I think she fancies him a bit.

00:32:03Shut up!

00:32:05Oh, I do hope they don't find Stanley down there.

00:32:08He was such a...

00:32:10Oh, quick, it's run out.

00:32:11Give me another sixpence.

00:32:12Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

00:32:13Ah, ooh, ooh, I haven't got one.

00:32:15Oh.

00:32:17Oh, I know she was going to say something nice about me.

00:32:20Oh, let me have her now.

00:32:21I must have her now, please.

00:32:23Just tell me who, where, when, under what circumstances.

00:32:25Well, Margaret is who, of course,

00:32:27but I don't want to go through that courting business again.

00:32:29That was awful.

00:32:30Why not be married to her?

00:32:31Then you'll be absolutely certain of having her.

00:32:33Yeah, and I'd like to be powerful,

00:32:35because I'd like to give her lots of things.

00:32:37Rich, influential, millionaire.

00:32:39Multi.

00:32:40Multi, good thinking.

00:32:41Multi-millionaire, yachts, servants, country estates,

00:32:44a phone in the lab.

00:32:45Yeah, but I don't want her to be like she was last time,

00:32:48you know, timid.

00:32:49I want her to be...

00:32:51physical.

00:32:52I'll make her very physical indeed for you, Stanley.

00:32:55Stiffen yourself.

00:32:57The magic words, Jackie Kennedy.

00:33:03Oh, well, Julie Andrews.

00:33:17Afternoon, Sid.

00:33:19Hello, everybody.

00:33:20How are you, Peter?

00:33:21Sorry I'm late, darling.

00:33:23Hello, Randolph.

00:33:24Hello.

00:33:25Brought you a little something from town.

00:33:28Do you like it?

00:33:30Yes.

00:33:31Isn't it lovely, Randy?

00:33:33Yes.

00:33:35We're playing croquet.

00:33:37Why don't you and Peter go away and discuss your affair?

00:33:42Sure enough, I suppose we ought to...

00:33:45tie up this Venezuelan business.

00:33:47Yes.

00:33:48Lord Dowdy, I wonder if you'll be so kind

00:33:50as to take over my blue ball and double up with Daphne.

00:33:54Certainly.

00:33:56Who is that young Randy fellow?

00:33:58What?

00:33:59Oh, Randolph.

00:34:01He's an awfully nice chap.

00:34:03He's, uh...

00:34:04He's teaching Margaret the harp.

00:34:06Oh, yes.

00:34:07She's terribly artistic, you know.

00:34:08Is she?

00:34:09Yes, terribly.

00:34:10Artistic?

00:34:11Yes.

00:34:12Yes.

00:34:13Yes.

00:34:14We met Randolph actually when we were in the Bahamas

00:34:16forming Margaret's mother into a limited company.

00:34:19Very shrewd move.

00:34:21Have you ever thought of making Margaret

00:34:23into a charitable institution?

00:34:26Cracking wheeze.

00:34:28Yes, and then I could get a depreciation allowance on her.

00:34:30Exactly.

00:34:31I think the revenue boys would buy that one.

00:34:33Yes.

00:34:34You could probably get her clothes taken off as well.

00:34:39Yes, I'm sure they'd be deductible.

00:34:42Probably handled.

00:34:43I think she could be a wonderful little asset.

00:34:46Yes.

00:34:47I was shopping around for a wife actually the other day.

00:34:51Daphne?

00:34:52Or something along similar lines.

00:34:54But my accountant said that in my bracket it really wasn't on.

00:35:01Yes, excuse me.

00:35:04I forgot to give you this, my precious.

00:35:07Oh, you don't.

00:35:09There we are.

00:35:10Do you like it?

00:35:13Feel the fur, Randolph.

00:35:15Beautiful.

00:35:16How's the old harp coming along?

00:35:19Splendidly.

00:35:20Your wife has extraordinary sensitivity.

00:35:23She has, she has. Extraordinary.

00:35:25I'm so hot and sticky and randy.

00:35:29We must have a dip.

00:35:42Your wife has a very beautiful body.

00:35:46I know.

00:35:47It is nice, isn't it?

00:35:51You must be a very happy man.

00:35:56Yes.

00:35:58Yes, I must be.

00:36:04I find her fantastically attractive.

00:36:13Thank you.

00:36:14You don't mind my saying that?

00:36:16Dear Lord.

00:36:19Not at all, not at all.

00:36:24I imagine everybody does.

00:36:27I imagine they do.

00:36:29Yes.

00:36:34Sex is a terribly thorny subject, isn't it?

00:36:40Terribly thorny.

00:36:42Very thorny subject.

00:36:44I don't really need it.

00:36:46Yes, please.

00:36:48I always think it very ironical that the male of the species reaches his sexual peak at the age of 14.

00:36:55Whereas the appetite of the female continues to increase with the passing years.

00:37:02Yes.

00:37:06It is ironic, isn't it?

00:37:09Bloody ironic.

00:37:14Of course, monogamy isn't a natural state for any animal.

00:37:17Good Lord, no.

00:37:19Goodness gracious, no.

00:37:21When I say animal, I mean man.

00:37:23Yes.

00:37:24And when I say man, I mean woman, of course.

00:37:26Of course.

00:37:28You see, he or, for that matter, she is fundamentally primitive.

00:37:36Fundamentally promiscuous.

00:37:39No.

00:37:42Yes.

00:37:44Yes, she probably is.

00:37:48How does that feel?

00:37:51Scares me.

00:37:53Darling, darling.

00:37:54I forgot to give you this, dear heart.

00:37:56How exciting, what is it?

00:38:02You shouldn't have.

00:38:03Is it the original?

00:38:04Yes.

00:38:05I thought it might appeal.

00:38:07Thank you, dear.

00:38:08You are sweet.

00:38:09Oh, good.

00:38:11And now, we must go and get out of our wet things.

00:38:14Come along, Randy.

00:38:19Beautiful collection of books you've got here, Stanley.

00:38:24Must be worth a packet.

00:38:25Yes, I caught a rather nasty cold in blue tips last week and my brokers advised me to switch to first editions.

00:38:32They're going up all the time.

00:38:34Yes.

00:38:36That one's worth about ten pounds more than it was when we came in.

00:38:42Forgive my ignorance, but what are you doing?

00:38:49Missiles and munitions, mainly.

00:38:52How's the market holding up?

00:38:54Oh, we've been very badly hit by this peace scare.

00:38:59We fell four points yesterday.

00:39:02Luckily, I managed to offload a lot of obsolete rubbish on the freedom fighters.

00:39:10Your things still look rather dodgy.

00:39:22That's very easy for you to say, Lord Dowdy.

00:39:26But it only takes two lunatics to sit down and sign a piece of paper.

00:39:31And we could be plunged into a nuclear peace so devastating that my company for one would be wiped out completely.

00:39:38Where's that harp coming from?

00:39:41It's probably Margaret playing with Randolph in the music room.

00:39:46They're very good together, aren't they?

00:39:48Yes, they certainly are.

00:39:51Often wish I'd been forced to take up an instrument myself when I was young.

00:39:55I must say, I admire the way you allow her such freedom.

00:39:59I think most husbands would object to their wives being alone in a room with a handsome, virile young man.

00:40:11Well, it is the 20th century after all, old boy.

00:40:15Can't expect to possess any one body and soul.

00:40:23Wonder why the music's stopped.

00:40:27Music's stopped.

00:40:28They've probably come to the end of their first movement.

00:40:32Your shot, Stanley.

00:40:33Yes, yes.

00:40:38I'll just pop along and see if they need anything before they start their next movement.

00:40:57Oh.

00:40:59Hello, Randolph. Have you seen anything of my wife at all?

00:41:04Not recently. I thought she was with you.

00:41:07Yes, probably is. Probably is, yes.

00:41:11Yes.

00:41:13Probably.

00:41:15With.

00:41:17Probably with me.

00:41:22Oh, um, where's Peter got to?

00:41:24He said something had come up.

00:41:32Come up. Something come up.

00:41:34You mean your shot?

00:41:36My shot, yes. Yes, my shot. Yes, you're certainly right there. Gosh. My shot, yes.

00:41:42Oh, blast. Gosh. Seem to have broken me cue.

00:41:46Won't use any of those rubbishy old things. I'll just go and get my special one.

00:41:52Margaret'll know where to lay her hands on it.

00:41:56Margaret, my darling. My precious. My sweet, my love. Margaret.

00:42:02Seed.

00:42:03Sir?

00:42:04Oh.

00:42:05Have you seen Lady Margaret, Seed?

00:42:08Her ladyship is in the bathroom, sir.

00:42:11In the bathroom, Seed.

00:42:13Jolly good.

00:42:15Oh, hello, Peter. Hello, darling.

00:42:19Sorry to butt in like this, Peter, but, um,

00:42:25about this Venezuelan business,

00:42:28I thought we ought to get it tied up one way or the other.

00:42:32Um, do you want me to come in with you on it, or, um,

00:42:38um, do you want me to come in with you on it, or, um,

00:42:44do you wish to pull out, or shall we just call the whole thing, um...

00:42:54Hello, Stanley. Just tap this for me, would you?

00:42:57What are we doing up here?

00:42:58Trapping a few wasps.

00:42:59Wasps? Blimey.

00:43:01Come on, my darlings.

00:43:03Come on, my beastlies. Out of the nest, into the jar. Come on, now.

00:43:06How did it go, Stanley?

00:43:08You know perfectly well how it went.

00:43:10That bag shop bloke looked exactly like you.

00:43:13Well, there's a lot of me in every one.

00:43:15It was even worse than the last time. I've never been so miserable.

00:43:18Wasn't she physical enough?

00:43:20She was physical, all right. She was too physical.

00:43:23She was physical all over the place, except with me.

00:43:26Oh, don't be too hard on her. Fornication's such a puny sin.

00:43:29What she did to me was unforgivable.

00:43:31You're just like all my clients. Absolutely typical.

00:43:34If Margaret had come in and told you she'd murdered the gardener,

00:43:38you'd have forgiven her, shielded her from the police?

00:43:41Just because she has a bit of harmless fun with some young man,

00:43:44doesn't do anybody any damage, you want to strangle her?

00:43:47You're a complete hypocrite.

00:43:49I thought you were going to make me happy.

00:43:52I never promised you that. That's up to you.

00:43:55I just gave you seven wishes for one measly little soul.

00:43:58I'm only doing me job.

00:43:59Your job? Shhh! Making people miserable?

00:44:02No, giving them the chance to be happy. It's God's idea.

00:44:06Don't confuse me with religion.

00:44:09You see, his theory, and I'm not knocking it,

00:44:12is that in order for people to be really good,

00:44:15they have to make a free choice between good and evil,

00:44:18and choose good.

00:44:20Look, I'm a vital part of his plan.

00:44:24I provide the evil.

00:44:32Oh!

00:44:35Oh, you rotten, nasty-minded troublemaker.

00:44:39Oh.

00:44:41Those nice, gentle flower people grooving along quietly,

00:44:45and you had to come and mess it up.

00:44:47You could do something about it.

00:44:48How?

00:44:49Why don't you give them one of your wishes?

00:44:53Well, because they're mine, and I've only got five of them left.

00:44:57Not falling for any more of your tricks, thank you very much.

00:44:59Well, just as you like.

00:45:01Let's go. More work to be done.

00:45:06What a dreary thing to do. I hope you're proud of yourself.

00:45:09It was pride that got me into this.

00:45:12I used to be an angel, you know, up in heaven.

00:45:15Oh, yeah, you used to be God's favourite, didn't you?

00:45:17That's right. I love Lucifer, it was in those days.

00:45:20What was it like up in heaven?

00:45:22Ha ha. Very nice, really.

00:45:24We used to sit round all day and adore him.

00:45:26Believe me, he was adorable.

00:45:28Just about the most adorable thing you ever did see.

00:45:32Well, what went wrong then?

00:45:33I'll show you.

00:45:35Here we are. Give me a leg up, would you?

00:45:38Now then.

00:45:40I'm God.

00:45:42This is my throne, see?

00:45:43All around me are the cherubim, seraphim, continually crying,

00:45:46holy, holy, holy, the angels, archangels, that sort of thing.

00:45:50Now you be me, Lucifer, the loveliest angel of them all.

00:45:54What do I do?

00:45:55Well, sort of dance around, praising me mainly.

00:45:57What sort of things do I say?

00:45:58Anything that comes into your head that's nice.

00:46:00How beautiful I am, how wise I am, how handsome, that sort of thing.

00:46:04Come on, start dancing.

00:46:07You're wise, you're beautiful, you're handsome.

00:46:10Thank you very much.

00:46:12The universe, what a wonderful idea.

00:46:15Take my hat off to you.

00:46:16Thank you.

00:46:17Trees, terrific.

00:46:18Water, another good one.

00:46:20That was a good one.

00:46:21Yes, sex, top marks.

00:46:23Now make it more personal, a bit more fulsome, please.

00:46:25Come on.

00:46:26Immortal, invisible.

00:46:28You're handsome, you're glorious.

00:46:31Thank you.

00:46:32You're the most beautiful person in the world.

00:46:36I'm getting a bit bored with this.

00:46:38Can't we change places?

00:46:39That's exactly how I felt.

00:46:43I only wanted to be like him and have a few angels adoring me.

00:46:46He didn't see it like that.

00:46:48Pride, he called it.

00:46:49Sin of pride.

00:46:50Flew into a monumental rage.

00:46:52Chucked me out of heaven.

00:46:53Gave me this miserable job.

00:46:56Just because I wanted to be loved.

00:46:58I had no idea.

00:46:59It's a very sad story.

00:47:01I suppose he had his reasons.

00:47:03Oh, can't you stop?

00:47:05It's a compulsion.

00:47:06I'm compelled to.

00:47:07His orders.

00:47:08Pathetic.

00:47:10He moves in a very mysterious way, you know.

00:47:17That's terrible.

00:47:19But, I mean, apart from the way he moves, what's God really like?

00:47:23I mean, what colour is he?

00:47:25He's all colours of the rainbow.

00:47:26Many hued.

00:47:27But he is English, isn't he?

00:47:28Oh yes, very upper class.

00:47:33Course his son had a lot of problems having such a famous father.

00:47:36Yeah, I always feel sorry for Jesus having his birthday on Christmas Day.

00:47:39You know, just one lot of presents.

00:47:48Oh.

00:47:50That's a bad day's work.

00:47:52Oh no, he's in here again.

00:47:55Come on, vanity, you worthless old sin.

00:47:57Stop preening.

00:47:58Get back and tidy up your men's room.

00:48:10How could he see where he's going?

00:48:12He can't.

00:48:14What rotten sins I've got working for me.

00:48:17I suppose it's the wages.

00:48:19Anyway, enough of my problems.

00:48:20Sit down.

00:48:21Thank you.

00:48:23You must be exhausted after all that business with Margaret.

00:48:26Jealousy really takes it out of you, doesn't it?

00:48:29Think things over before you decide on your next wish.

00:48:31Don't rush into it.

00:48:33Have a bit of kip.

00:48:34Things will seem clearer in the morning.

00:48:37You can use my bed if you like.

00:48:40Slip into this.

00:48:42Oh.

00:48:43Where will you sleep then?

00:48:44Oh, don't worry about me.

00:48:45I never do.

00:48:47I had a fitful dose in the Middle Ages.

00:48:49Since then, nothing.

00:48:50Go on, you can change through there.

00:48:52Thank you.

00:48:55It's very kind of you to lend me your room and your bed like this.

00:49:00You're the first person who's ever shown any concern for me and you're the devil.

00:49:04I mean, God's never taken any interest in me as far as I can see.

00:49:08Of course not.

00:49:09He never pushes himself forward.

00:49:11Prefers to work subliminally.

00:49:12It's the oldest trick in the game, your soft-sell technique.

00:49:15I wish he would push himself forward and help people a bit and prove he was there.

00:49:19Well, in God's view, for what it's worth, this would interfere with your freedom of choice.

00:49:23Freedom of choice?

00:49:25What sort of freedom of choice did I have about where I was born and what size I was

00:49:30and what a bloody awful job I landed myself in?

00:49:34Blimey, if we really had freedom of choice, we should be able to decide who our parents are

00:49:39and what we look like and everything.

00:49:41I couldn't agree more.

00:49:42Well, then, why the hell doesn't he do something about it?

00:49:45God knows.

00:49:47Well, that's very handsome, I must say.

00:49:50It's a bit long.

00:49:51Suits you down to the ground. Looks very good on you.

00:49:54Actually, um, red's not really my colour. I'm normally a bit more conservative.

00:49:59But it's very nice, sir.

00:50:02In you get.

00:50:04You know, Mr Spigot, you're really the first person who's ever taken the trouble to talk to me.

00:50:11I like you, but you keep on doing these terrible things.

00:50:16It's nothing personal.

00:50:19Well, if you say so.

00:50:21Good night, Stanley.

00:50:23Good night, Mr Spigot.

00:50:24Call me George.

00:50:28Good night, George.

00:50:30Oh, night, George.

00:50:47Good morning, Mr Moon.

00:50:53Morning.

00:50:55I've brought you all something.

00:51:00To eat.

00:51:03Thank you.

00:51:10It's so hot in here.

00:51:17Would you help me with my buttons? I seem to be off thumbs this morning.

00:51:30Oh, I find clothes so constricting.

00:51:36We must allow our paws to breathe.

00:51:41Oh, that's better.

00:51:45Can you hear my paws breathe?

00:51:49Listen.

00:51:51Would you like a nibble?

00:51:54Why, you must be ravenous.

00:51:57Would you like orange juice?

00:52:02Oh, succulent, sun-dried, whole.

00:52:08Pineapple?

00:52:11But you have to be careful of the prickles.

00:52:14Oh, I will.

00:52:16Do you like it in bed?

00:52:19Yes.

00:52:21Good. So do I.

00:52:27Look up there.

00:52:31Don't we make a pretty pair?

00:52:33Yes.

00:52:35Coffee?

00:52:36Yes.

00:52:38Strong, black and sweet.

00:52:42Two mountainous spoons full.

00:52:49Hot toast or buttered buns?

00:52:53Either.

00:52:54Oh, I love a man who knows what he wants.

00:52:58Do you crave marmalade or honey?

00:53:03Honey.

00:53:09Oh, I do so love the smell of honey on a man's lips.

00:53:17Come on now, Lily. Up you get.

00:53:21Pick your clothes up. You're due down at the Foreign Office.

00:53:31Goodbye, Mr. Moon. Let's get together soon.

00:53:39Um, who was that?

00:53:40Didn't she introduce herself? That's Lilian Lust, the babe with the bust.

00:53:44Oh. She's quite nice, really.

00:53:47She's a very sweet, warm, wonderful human being. I'll say that for her.

00:53:51You know, George, you're quite right. I do see things much more clearly this morning.

00:53:57Thought you would.

00:53:58I was thinking about that girl, Lilian. You know, she's...

00:54:04Stanley, I wouldn't mess around with married women if I were you.

00:54:08Oh, she married?

00:54:09Yes. Tragic business. Completely incompatible. You met the husband, Sloth.

00:54:13Well, that's it then. She's out.

00:54:15I'm afraid so.

00:54:17But can I... can I be someone who women... women yearn after and crave for and lust after?

00:54:24You'd like to be young and sexy and dynamic and have beautiful women hurl themselves at your feet.

00:54:29Yeah, that's it. But most of all, it's got to be Margaret. I want Margaret lusting after me.

00:54:34Well, I'll tell you what people go mad for these days. That's your pop stars.

00:54:37I can just see you, Stanley, standing there in your skin-tight pants, the music pounding,

00:54:43the women screaming, Margaret lusting, the drums throbbing out with their incessant animal beat.

00:54:50Let me have it!

00:54:51Julie Andrews!

00:54:55Love me!

00:54:58Love me!

00:55:01Love me!

00:55:04Love me!

00:55:07Love me!

00:55:08I'm on my knees, bunch of trees, come and love me.

00:55:12Oh, love me.

00:55:14I need you so, please don't go, stay and love me.

00:55:18Oh, love me.

00:55:20Tell me you're full of yearning for me.

00:55:25Oh, love me.

00:55:27Touch me and say that you can't live without me.

00:55:31Oh, love me.

00:55:33Tell me you need me.

00:55:36♪ Touch me, touch me and say, oh, love me ♪

00:55:44♪ I'm on my knees, won't you please come and love me ♪

00:55:48♪ Oh, love me ♪

00:55:50♪ I need you so, please don't go staying, love me ♪

00:55:55♪ Oh, love me ♪

00:55:57♪ Tell me you're full of yearning for me ♪

00:56:01♪ Oh, love me ♪

00:56:03♪ Touch me and say that you can't live without me ♪

00:56:08♪ Oh, love me ♪

00:56:10♪ Tell me you need me, touch me and say ♪

00:56:16♪ I've got to have you, oh, don't run away ♪

00:56:24♪ Oh, love me, love me, love me, love me ♪

00:56:44And now, this year's most exciting discovery,

00:56:48Drimble Wedge and the Vegetation!

00:56:55Whistle

00:57:03I don't care

00:57:12So you said

00:57:18I don't want you

00:57:20You blast me off

00:57:22I don't need you

00:57:24You burn me up

00:57:27I don't love you

00:57:29You blind me

00:57:31Leave me alone

00:57:33You switch me on

00:57:36I'm self-contained

00:57:38You light me up

00:57:40Just go away

00:57:42You dazzle me

00:57:50You quiver

00:57:52I'm tickled

00:57:54You glitter

00:57:56I'm cold

00:57:58You shimmer

00:58:00I'm shallow

00:58:03You drive me wild

00:58:07You fill me with inertia

00:58:10You light me up

00:58:16Don't get excited

00:58:18You blast me off

00:58:20Save your breath

00:58:22You burn me up

00:58:25Cool it

00:58:27You blind me

00:58:29I'm not interested

00:58:31You switch me on

00:58:33It's too much effort

00:58:36You light me up

00:58:38Don't you ever leave off

00:58:40I'll be dazzled

00:58:42I'll be dazzled

00:58:44I'll be dazzled

00:58:48I'm not available

00:59:01Hello!

00:59:02Oh, hello Stanley.

00:59:04Nice to have you back so soon.

00:59:05I won't be a moment.

00:59:07Hello, hello.

00:59:08You've just got me off.

00:59:09I was talking to Tokyo.

00:59:12Do you really love me?

00:59:13Of course I do, you big jerk.

00:59:15Get off my line!

00:59:17I thought you were supposed to be my friend.

00:59:19All that talk.

00:59:21You were bedding that girl this morning.

00:59:24You just put her there to get me all excited and confused

00:59:26so I'd make the wrong decision.

00:59:28What happened?

00:59:29What happened?

00:59:30It finished before it started.

00:59:31That's what happened.

00:59:32They're like that these days, your pop fans, aren't they?

00:59:35Very fickle.

00:59:37Mrs Fitch?

00:59:38Speaking.

00:59:39Abercrombie here. I work with your husband.

00:59:42Oh, yes?

00:59:43I thought you'd like to know that he's just checked in to the Cheeseborough Hotel Brighton

00:59:47with his secretary Fiona.

00:59:49Goodbye.

00:59:50What a putrid thing to do.

00:59:54Why did I get myself into such a mess?

00:59:57Let me answer that by asking you a question.

01:00:00In the words of the great Zen master, Lee Kwai Kwat,

01:00:04if you were hanging from a cliff by your fingernails

01:00:07and above you was a raging tiger bearing his fangs

01:00:11and below you was the tiger's mate bearing her fangs,

01:00:15what would you do?

01:00:16What a stupid question.

01:00:18Cliffs and tigers.

01:00:20I wouldn't get myself into such a ridiculous situation, would I?

01:00:23Of course not.

01:00:24You've got the secret.

01:00:26You're far better off.

01:00:28Here you are, halfway up a pole in Berkshire,

01:00:31damned in the hereafter for eternity,

01:00:33off you wish is gone.

01:00:34You've nothing to learn from Lee Kwai Kwat and his tigers, have you?

01:00:39Hello, Mrs. Phelps?

01:00:41Hello, yes?

01:00:42Mrs. Jonathan Phelps?

01:00:43Yes?

01:00:44Mrs. Jonathan Phelps of 8 Puseley Rise, Hounslow, Middlesex?

01:00:48Yes?

01:00:49Did I get you out of the bath to answer the phone?

01:00:51Yes, you did.

01:00:52Sorry, wrong number.

01:00:56Your tricks are so blooming dismal.

01:00:59I know, Stanley.

01:01:00Don't rub it in.

01:01:02I've lost me spark.

01:01:04There was a time when I used to get lots of ideas.

01:01:06I was creative, original.

01:01:09I thought up the seven deadly sins in one afternoon.

01:01:12The only thing I've come up with recently is advertising.

01:01:15Blimey, we're due at Mrs. Whisby's.

01:01:17Hurry up, let's get changed.

01:01:19You're so dull the way you go about things.

01:01:22Everything you do is third-rate.

01:01:25Pass me over me britches, there's a good chap.

01:01:27Pass me my britches.

01:01:29The Prince of Darkness changing his britches in a GPO van.

01:01:32What's the matter with you?

01:01:33Where's your style?

01:01:34Use your magic powers.

01:01:36I don't waste those.

01:01:38I've got to save all that up for my struggle with him.

01:01:40I thought you were supposed to be his equal.

01:01:42That'll be the day.

01:01:44For a start, he's omnipresent.

01:01:46What do you mean?

01:01:47I only mean he's everywhere all over the world at the same time.

01:01:51That's all I mean.

01:01:52I'm just highly manoeuvrable.

01:01:54So he's in here right now, then?

01:01:56Of course he is.

01:01:57He's in the van, he's in the can, he's up the trees, he's in the breezes,

01:02:02in your hair, he's everywhere.

01:02:04Spying on you, peering at you, listening to everything you say.

01:02:07There's no privacy for anyone.

01:02:09Get out of here while I'm changing, can't you?

01:02:11You won't get anywhere by shouting at him, you know.

01:02:14You're quite right, of course.

01:02:16I'll try the humble approach.

01:02:18Excuse me, your ineffable hugeness.

01:02:21I wonder if you'd be gracious enough to step outside for a moment

01:02:24while we miserable worms get our drawers on.

01:02:27I can't say you sounded very sincere, mate.

01:02:31Here, what's your game?

01:02:34I wanted to give him a bit of a turn.

01:02:36I saw him nestling in your trousers.

01:02:44Good afternoon, madam.

01:02:45We're the Frooney Green Eyewash Men.

01:02:48Have you by any chance got ten bottles of Frooney Green Eyewash in your house?

01:02:52Oh, no, I'm afraid I haven't.

01:02:54Oh, what a pity.

01:02:56Because if you had and could answer a simple question,

01:02:58you'd have won a beautiful silver tea service

01:03:00and a night on the town with Alfred Hitchcock.

01:03:03Oh, what a shame.

01:03:05Never mind.

01:03:06Look, I tell you what.

01:03:08Nobody will ever know the difference.

01:03:10Why don't you nip down to the shops,

01:03:13buy ten bottles of Frooney Green Eyewash,

01:03:16come back here as quickly as you can,

01:03:18and I'll pretend you had them all the time.

01:03:20You're very kind.

01:03:22Hurry back now.

01:03:25Let's get something to eat.

01:03:28Let's see what we've got.

01:03:30Very nice raspberries.

01:03:32Cream, sugar.

01:03:34Ideal combination for a lovely summer afternoon.

01:03:41I'll leave her a few.

01:03:43I need them more than she does.

01:03:45I'm so depressed.

01:03:47This job, it's really getting me down.

01:03:52What have you got to be depressed about?

01:03:55I mean, look on the bright side.

01:03:57Think of all your successes.

01:03:59Sodom and Gomorrah.

01:04:01Short-lived, Stanley. Short-lived.

01:04:03Besides, as soon as I get a really swinging scene going,

01:04:06he butts in with his fire and brimstone.

01:04:09He's a very destructive, unpredictable person.

01:04:13Is that why you can't ensure against acts of God?

01:04:15Exactly. And as if that isn't enough,

01:04:17I've got last-minute repentance to contend with.

01:04:19That doesn't sound too much of a threat.

01:04:21It's not much of a threat.

01:04:23Do you realise I can spend 50 or 60 years

01:04:25working on a client, making him vain, greedy,

01:04:28lustful, slothful, the lot,

01:04:30and then just when he's breathing his last,

01:04:32he goes and bloody repents.

01:04:34I lost Mussolini that way. Really?

01:04:36At the very moment they're putting the noose around his neck,

01:04:38he suddenly says, "'Scusi, mille regretti."

01:04:40Up he goes. Psst.

01:04:45Here they are.

01:04:47Ten bottles of Pruney's Green High Wash.

01:04:49I just got in before they closed.

01:04:51Well done, Mrs. Wisby.

01:04:53Now, all you have to do is answer one very simple question.

01:04:57Are you ready? Yes.

01:04:59How tall is the Duke of Edinburgh?

01:05:01Oh, dear.

01:05:03Let me see. I saw it somewhere.

01:05:06Six foot one, is it?

01:05:08Alas, no.

01:05:10The correct answer is six foot two.

01:05:12And this means you've lost ten pounds.

01:05:15I'm terribly sorry, Mrs. Wisby.

01:05:17Better luck next time. Come on, Stanley.

01:05:19Off we go.

01:05:22Goodbye.

01:05:24That poor old lady. How can you be so mean?

01:05:27That grasping, greedy old bag.

01:05:29She didn't mind the idea of cheating Pruney's.

01:05:31Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you something

01:05:33about Margaret Spencer.

01:05:35Oh, what's that? She's dead.

01:05:37Oh, she's not.

01:05:39No, she's not. She's not?

01:05:41No, she's alive.

01:05:43Then why did you say that?

01:05:44Malice. I'm a liar. I do it the whole time.

01:05:46I can't help it.

01:05:48Are you telling me that everything you've ever said is a lie?

01:05:50Everything I've ever told you has been a lie, including that.

01:05:53Including what?

01:05:54That everything I've ever told you has been a lie.

01:05:56That's not true.

01:05:58I don't know what to believe.

01:05:59Not me, Stanley. Believe me.

01:06:03Listen.

01:06:05You tell me one thing and it better be true.

01:06:07What is Margaret Spencer doing right now?

01:06:11Scout's on her, Stanley.

01:06:13She's with that powerfully built Inspector Clark.

01:06:15She's very concerned about you.

01:06:19Oh, I'd like to be in the room with her.

01:06:21Wish I was a fly on the wall.

01:06:23Julie Andrews!

01:06:24You rotten...

01:06:25You've tricked me again.

01:06:27That wasn't meant to be a wish.

01:06:28I only did what you said.

01:06:30Blow a raspberry.

01:06:31Not yet.

01:06:32I want to see what's going on.

01:06:34And why are you here with me?

01:06:36I want to protect you, Stanley.

01:06:37I like you.

01:06:38I'd hate to see you swatted.

01:06:40Shut up. Here she comes.

01:06:42Lovely weather we've been having.

01:06:43Lovely.

01:06:44Of course, we've been kept pretty busy.

01:06:46It's the summer frocks that do it.

01:06:48I've had three rapes on my hands this morning.

01:06:50That's a lot.

01:06:51All round about the seasonal average.

01:06:54It's a nice dress you're wearing.

01:06:56I don't like his attitude.

01:06:58I've always had mixed feelings about rape.

01:07:02I mean, half the time, it's the girls that have led things on.

01:07:08I agree with you.

01:07:14They bring it on themselves, you know.

01:07:16They really do.

01:07:20I'm so happy he's not here.

01:07:22But we must find him before he kills himself.

01:07:27But we must find him before he kills himself.

01:07:31She noticed me. She noticed me.

01:07:33Oh.

01:07:36All right, thank you, Debs.

01:07:39Not him?

01:07:43It's cold in here.

01:07:46He seemed to cut above the others.

01:07:48There was something different about him.

01:07:50A special quality.

01:07:53He put so much into those cheeseburgers.

01:07:56He was a real artist.

01:07:58Yes, but like so many of your artistic types,

01:08:01unable to cope with life, he took the coward's way out.

01:08:03He called me a coward.

01:08:05The vice squad is having a bit of a do tonight.

01:08:08Would you like to come along?

01:08:10Will I be allowed? An outsider?

01:08:13Of course.

01:08:14They asked us to bring along a girlfriend.

01:08:17You'd soon feel at home.

01:08:19I'm going to break this up.

01:08:21You've never flown before. You can't go up alone.

01:08:24Oh, yes, I can. I'll take him first. You follow.

01:08:29The vice squad is usually having first-class sleep together.

01:08:33Flap them, Stanley. Not your legs, your wings.

01:08:38You've got lovely lips, Margaret.

01:08:40Very tempting and alluring.

01:08:42Lorelei lips is what I call them.

01:08:44Have I ever said that before?

01:08:46No, never.

01:08:47Here I come, Stanley.

01:08:49I don't want to alarm you,

01:08:51but I'd say that with lips like that,

01:08:53you'd be a prophet to sex maniacs.

01:08:55Really?

01:08:58Damn flies.

01:08:59Oh, it's a whopper.

01:09:01Oh, let's get out of this fly trap.

01:09:22Blow your raspberry.

01:09:26I can't with these terrible fly's lips.

01:09:29Quick, blow your raspberry.

01:09:37She noticed me, George. She noticed me.

01:09:40I must have her before she goes to that terrible vice party with the police.

01:09:43That's what I'm here for.

01:09:45I want her to be in love with me. Everything about me.

01:09:47Madly in love with me.

01:09:49Look, Stanley.

01:09:50I feel terribly bad about the way I've tricked you in the past.

01:09:54I want to be nice to you this time.

01:09:56Really nice to you. I mean it. I'd like to help you.

01:09:59I've been thinking about your problem.

01:10:01What I think you need is the simple life.

01:10:04How does this strike you?

01:10:07You and Margaret are both warm, tender, loving people.

01:10:11Picture a little cottage in the country.

01:10:14Two beautiful children are playing in the sunlit garden.

01:10:19Margaret's in the kitchen preparing the anniversary dinner.

01:10:22She hears you drive up in the car.

01:10:24She's madly in love with you and you with her.

01:10:27She's bursting with the anticipation of seeing you at the end of the day.

01:10:31Well, George, you've got it. I think you've got it.

01:10:34Julie Andrews!

01:10:38Darling.

01:10:46Hello, darling.

01:10:48Hello, darling.

01:10:49Hope you didn't mind me bringing Stanley along.

01:10:51Oh, he's always welcome. Would you like a drink, Stanley?

01:10:54No, I'll do that. I'll do that.

01:10:56You sit down. You've been poking with the kids all day.

01:10:58Go on. Have a good sit down. Relax.

01:11:00What are you going to have? Your usual?

01:11:01Yes, please.

01:11:02Right.

01:11:03You know that, um, that book I was reading?

01:11:06The Spinoza Reassessment?

01:11:07Yes. I was thinking Stanley should have a look at that.

01:11:10Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating.

01:11:14Here we are.

01:11:15Oh, Mr. Wine, I'll soon set you on your feet again.

01:11:18What for you, Stanley?

01:11:20I'll have the same as Margaret.

01:11:21Same as Margaret? Why?

01:11:24I bet you thought I'd forgotten what day it was.

01:11:28Awful of me. I forgot.

01:11:32Don't be silly. You've got so much on your mind.

01:11:35Who cares about a silly old anniversary?

01:11:37What matters is we love each other.

01:11:39Do you know, Stanley, we've been married seven years.

01:11:42It's our wooden wedding.

01:11:44Incredible. I've got a little something for you.

01:11:47Oh.

01:11:48From my heart.

01:11:49Darling. Oh.

01:11:53Here's to our marriage.

01:11:56Here's to all of us.

01:11:58Cheers.

01:11:59Cheers.

01:12:02I'll go and get that book.

01:12:07I forgot our wedding anniversary.

01:12:09Don't be upset.

01:12:11I feel so dreadful.

01:12:13Oh, darling.

01:12:15Here we are.

01:12:16Let's see what you've made.

01:12:17We can discuss it in next week's tutorial.

01:12:19I'm flat.

01:12:20Time to get on with the cooking.

01:12:21Don't you do a thing.

01:12:22You sit down, relax and enjoy your drink.

01:12:25I'll do the supper tonight.

01:12:27I feel a bit of an intruder, your anniversary.

01:12:30I'm not an intruder.

01:12:31You're very welcome, isn't he, Margaret?

01:12:34Well, I ought to be off anyway.

01:12:35I want to catch the Giotto exhibition.

01:12:37What time's the next bus to Oxford?

01:12:39Are you going to that?

01:12:40That's a great idea.

01:12:41Margaret, why don't you drive Stanley in?

01:12:43You can see it together.

01:12:44You've been longing to see that.

01:12:45It's the last day.

01:12:46I can't.

01:12:47There's the supper and the kids to put to bed.

01:12:49I'll do all that.

01:12:50It'll be your present to me.

01:12:53Really.

01:12:54You are sweet, darling.

01:12:55Go on, Stanley.

01:12:56Enjoy yourself and come back for supper.

01:12:58You show absolutely positive.

01:13:00Hello, darling.

01:13:02Up in the daddy's arms.

01:13:04Bye-bye.

01:13:05Say bye-bye to mummy.

01:13:06Bye-bye.

01:13:07Look after daddy, darling.

01:13:08Look after Margaret, Stanley.

01:13:09I will.

01:13:10Have a good time.

01:13:11Thank you.

01:13:12Blow a kiss to mummy.

01:13:14Bye-bye.

01:13:15Bye-bye.

01:13:25Do you think he knows?

01:13:26It never occurred to him.

01:13:29He's such a marvellous man.

01:13:31The way he brings philosophy to life.

01:13:35He couldn't be a better husband or father or teacher.

01:13:42He's a saint.

01:13:45He's the only man I know who actually lives up to his ideas.

01:13:53He's the only man I know who actually lives up to his ideals.

01:13:59He's such an example to us all.

01:14:05The children worship him.

01:14:08He's more of a god than a human being.

01:14:11If only he weren't so good.

01:14:13If only he had one tiny flaw.

01:14:16We must stop thinking about him and think more of ourselves.

01:14:23But he would kill him if he knew.

01:14:26I feel as though I'm being torn apart.

01:14:34Oh, darling.

01:14:36My precious darling.

01:14:39We can't... we can't...

01:14:42We can't keep on denying ourselves.

01:14:45She hasn't been nice.

01:14:47I've never sat across from him.

01:14:49When I was ill, he came to my room.

01:14:55And gave me some soup.

01:14:57He made...

01:14:59Oh, darling.

01:15:01How could we do this to him?

01:15:06I love you.

01:15:08I love you.

01:15:10It's gonna hurt him if he doesn't know.

01:15:16I want... I want...

01:15:18I want to give him my love in the best, most beautiful way.

01:15:35No! No!

01:15:41This is mine.

01:15:43His favourite.

01:15:45Margaret, don't be upset.

01:15:47I love you again.

01:15:49I'm his favourite babe.

01:15:52Margaret.

01:15:53Forget about the other things impossible.

01:15:56Margaret.

01:15:57Can we just go?

01:15:58We must never see each other again for his sake.

01:16:00Margaret, please.

01:16:01Please, Margaret.

01:16:03Margaret, please.

01:16:05Margaret, I beg of you.

01:16:11Margaret.

01:16:23Hello, Stanley.

01:16:24Hold this.

01:16:26Whatever you say, George.

01:16:28You sound down in the dumps.

01:16:30Why not?

01:16:31You painted a beautiful dream and shoved me into a nightmare.

01:16:35You should never believe the ads.

01:16:37Shine a light up for it.

01:16:39What are you doing now?

01:16:41Just putting a tiny little ventilation hole in this oil tanker.

01:16:47Up we go.

01:16:51That Nicholas was so sickening with all his blasted sweetness and...

01:16:57I know what you mean, Stanley.

01:16:59Most of the saints throughout history have been a pain in the neck.

01:17:02Give me a hand with these bottles, would you?

01:17:04I'm due down in Fleet Street.

01:17:06You can't stop, can you, eh?

01:17:07As a matter of fact, I will very soon.

01:17:09My job's almost done.

01:17:11What do you mean?

01:17:12I was up in heaven a few thousand years ago,

01:17:14having a summit conference with God.

01:17:16I was putting forward a few new proposals.

01:17:18Well, did you go up there every now and again then?

01:17:20Yes. We were having a bit of a giggle about Job, actually.

01:17:23Well, that poor bloke you gave all the boils to

01:17:25and burnt his home and destroyed his family and everything?

01:17:28Yeah, that's right.

01:17:29God thought it'd be a good idea if I tested Job's faith

01:17:32with a few diseases and disasters.

01:17:34Well, you didn't win, though, did you, eh?

01:17:36In spite of all you did to him, he still believed that God was good.

01:17:39Yeah, well, Job was what you'd technically describe as a loony.

01:17:43But as I pointed out to God at the time,

01:17:45for every Job or soul that he lands, I get two.

01:17:49I was two billionaired already.

01:17:51You make it sound like a blooming game.

01:17:53That's precisely what it is.

01:17:55And the first one to reach 100 billion souls is the winner.

01:17:59He doesn't stand a chance, actually.

01:18:01I've only got six to go.

01:18:03Well, what happens when you get them?

01:18:05Oh, when I've won.

01:18:07When I've won, the world will be in such a rotten, stinking mess

01:18:11that it can get on without me.

01:18:13I'll go back to heaven, sit on God's right hand

01:18:16and be his favourite angel again.

01:18:18Well, it must be very nice for you to go back to heaven,

01:18:21but what will happen to me?

01:18:23Don't worry, Stanley. Your future's assured.

01:18:26Um, George...

01:18:30I don't want to go on with the rest of my wishes.

01:18:32I mean, I can't find happiness like this.

01:18:34You're always too clever for me.

01:18:36So, um, I'll be running along and, uh, I'll see you sometime, eh?

01:18:48Stanley, I can't let you go in this mood.

01:18:51Let's cancel my appointment. I'm ahead of schedule in any case.

01:18:54No, I can't interrupt your work.

01:18:56What are friends for? I'll round up Avarice and Gluttony,

01:18:59two lovely girls. The afternoon's on me.

01:19:01Whee!

01:19:03Ha-ha-ha-ha!

01:19:05Eat up, Stanley.

01:19:07Come on, Stanley, stick one in Jane Russell and win a goldfish.

01:19:12You have a go, Gluttony.

01:19:14Chuck them, don't eat them.

01:19:16This is how Gary Baldwin lost his life.

01:19:19Enjoying yourself, Stanley?

01:19:21You know I can't stand ice, George.

01:19:25Up, up, up, up!

01:19:27Having fun, Stanley?

01:19:29Whee!

01:19:33Ha-ha-ha-ha!

01:19:35Ha-ha-ha-ha!

01:19:37Another ten shillings gone. Don't worry about that, Avarice.

01:19:40Whee!

01:19:42Ha-ha-ha-ha!

01:19:46Enjoying yourself, Stanley?

01:19:48That's three pounds seven and nine pence without Gluttony's sweets.

01:19:54Here, George, take me out of here, will you?

01:19:57Enough, George, is enough. We didn't need to take a taxi.

01:20:00Nothing's too much for my friend Stanley.

01:20:03Thank you very much for this afternoon, George, but, um...

01:20:06I don't think it's really helped, you know.

01:20:09I still don't want to go on with it.

01:20:11But you were so nearly there last time.

01:20:13She loved you, you loved her.

01:20:15You just left me one little loophole.

01:20:17I had to take advantage of it.

01:20:19Doctor's orders.

01:20:21Next time you must specify.

01:20:23Really spell things out in detail.

01:20:26I can't think straight any more.

01:20:28Take your time. Have another little lie-down in my room.

01:20:32Yeah, and then you put Lust in the bed just to confuse me.

01:20:36I promise you, Lust won't be there.

01:20:43Hello.

01:20:45Oh, excuse me, I thought this was Mr Spigot's bedroom.

01:20:48How right you were. It is.

01:20:51Oh, well, he must have made a mistake.

01:20:53He said I could use it.

01:20:55Oh, you're his new little favourite, are you?

01:20:58I'm Stanley Moon. Who are you?

01:21:00They call me Enver.

01:21:02Not a very attractive name, is it?

01:21:05I always wanted to be called Vanity.

01:21:07Never mind, I'm stuck with it.

01:21:10How is Mr Spigot these days?

01:21:13Quite well. He may be leaving soon.

01:21:16Charming.

01:21:18I'm always the last to be told.

01:21:20It's funny how he's always too busy for me,

01:21:23but he's never too busy for Lust, Ducky.

01:21:27He's at her beck and bloody call.

01:21:30Look, what are you doing in George's bedroom?

01:21:33Oh, it's George, is it?

01:21:36Good friends, I suppose.

01:21:38Well, if you want to know why I'm in his bedroom,

01:21:41why not go and take a look at mine?

01:21:43What's wrong with it?

01:21:44What's right with it?

01:21:45For a start, it's half the size of all the others,

01:21:47the wallpaper's peeling off,

01:21:48and it's miles from the nearest convenience.

01:21:50Of course, Lust and Gluttony

01:21:53are right next door to the bathroom.

01:21:55Nothing's too good for them.

01:21:57Well, I suppose Lust and Gluttony

01:21:59really have to be rather near the bathroom.

01:22:02You're on the seven wishes bit, aren't you, dear?

01:22:06Yeah, but it doesn't seem to be doing me much good.

01:22:09Although George said if I really specified the personality,

01:22:12I'd be all right.

01:22:14Don't you believe it, Cherub?

01:22:16You may think he's the cat's whiskers,

01:22:19but there's one person who can run rings round him.

01:22:23Who do you mean?

01:22:27God.

01:22:29Old creepy drawers can't hold a candle to him.

01:22:34I think you've got me this time, Stanley.

01:22:37Now, let me get it quite clear.

01:22:39I want to be a warm, loving, tender person,

01:22:42and Margaret exactly the same.

01:22:45I want all the fun of meeting her for the first time

01:22:48and falling in love with her.

01:22:50I love her and she loves me. We are in love forever.

01:22:53Surroundings...

01:22:56serene and far removed

01:22:59from the false glitter,

01:23:02the raucous music

01:23:04and the neon lights of this modern world.

01:23:07We are both young, white

01:23:10and in perfect health.

01:23:12Stanley, I've got to hand it to you.

01:23:15That's real specifying.

01:23:18You've come up with the one formula that I, as the devil, really dread.

01:23:22Mutual love and spiritual values.

01:23:25I want peace and quiet

01:23:28and... and no other men in her life.

01:23:32Julie Andrews.

01:23:43Welcome to the Beryllian order, Sister Luna.

01:23:46Until you are initiated, you are where the habit of a novice.

01:23:50We must be no more.

01:24:12Good night.

01:24:42Oh!

01:24:52Oh!

01:25:02Oh!

01:25:04Oh!

01:25:11Oh!

01:25:23Oh!

01:25:31Oh!

01:25:35Oh!

01:25:49The order of the Leaping Beryllians is new and non-denominational.

01:25:53Our patron, Beryl of Sussex, was a simple shepherdess.

01:25:57One afternoon, she saw a vision in the sky which beckoned her.

01:26:01Dropping her crook, she leapt towards the vision,

01:26:04which ever receding and ever beckoning urged her upwards

01:26:07until she disappeared into the clouds.

01:26:10This miracle was witnessed by a two-year-old child

01:26:13who ran to the spot and picked up Beryl's shoes that had fallen to the earth.

01:26:17That child founded this order,

01:26:20whose sisters have taken a vow of silence

01:26:23until such time as Beryl of Sussex is canonized

01:26:26and recognized by the people of the world for her tremendous feat.

01:26:31Oh!

01:26:38Oh!

01:26:48What is this feeling that overwhelms me?

01:26:51It is something new and strange.

01:26:54It is love, oh, my most cherished. I see it in your eyes.

01:26:58This is love profane.

01:27:00Must be sin in me that so confounds my senses.

01:27:03There is no sin in love, my darling.

01:27:06And I love you for all eternity.

01:27:08Margaret.

01:27:10You know my name.

01:27:12What magic is afoot?

01:27:14Our love is written in the book of fate.

01:27:16There is no escaping it.

01:27:18This can't be right.

01:27:20And yet within my breast beats such desire.

01:27:24Don't be afraid.

01:27:26Trust in me. Allow your heart to speak.

01:27:56You must go through the initiation ceremony to show your faith.

01:28:20But I'm afraid of heights.

01:28:22Show your courage in your leaping.

01:28:27Up we go, sisters, leaping to the sky.

01:28:31Nearer to heaven let us fly.

01:28:35Leap with courage, leap for joy.

01:28:40Leap in the name of Bethel.

01:28:44La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

01:29:02La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

01:29:32Live in the name of love

01:29:47I didn't go to Vespers. I had to see if you were all right.

01:29:52Oh, Margaret, my precious, at last we're alone. We can speak.

01:29:55But only this once.

01:29:57Whatever it is that draws us together, we must cast out. It is unnatural and wrong.

01:30:03How can it be wrong if we love each other?

01:30:06It is wrong, and I am so ashamed to break my vow.

01:30:11I came here to find peace and quiet and faith.

01:30:16And have you found it?

01:30:18Not yet. However hard I try, I can't believe that God exists.

01:30:25But he does exist. I know that for certain.

01:30:28How can you be so sure?

01:30:30Because I've met the devil.

01:30:32The devil?

01:30:33Yes. Let me tell you what happened to me.

01:30:36I used to be a man. My name was Stanley Moon, and I was a short order cook.

01:30:42I was very much in love with you, but I was too shy to tell you.

01:30:45I've never seen you before today.

01:30:48I got so miserable that I tried to kill myself.

01:30:51And then George came along and offered me seven wishes for my soul.

01:30:55Who's George?

01:30:56Well, he's the devil. We're very good friends.

01:30:59He's not so bad when you understand his problems.

01:31:02That's why I keep going...

01:31:04You see, because I usually disappear when I go...

01:31:06I find that as hard to believe as all that about Beryl and her leap.

01:31:10But it's true. And I've got one wish to go.

01:31:13I can't think what's happened to George. Look.

01:31:17You see? Nothing.

01:31:19I just hope it's not too late.

01:31:23I love you, Margaret.

01:31:24And I love you, Sister Luna.

01:31:26And my love will last forever.

01:31:30But it can never be fulfilled.

01:31:36I must find George before he goes to heaven.

01:31:40Good evening, Sister.

01:31:50We gave already.

01:31:52Let me in. Let me in.

01:31:57Take that, you great git.

01:32:00Sorry, Father.

01:32:06Can I be of any help?

01:32:09Wake up, George.

01:32:11George, wake up.

01:32:14Thank goodness you're still here.

01:32:16I was just having a bit of a nap before the party.

01:32:21I've done it.

01:32:23I've got me under a billion.

01:32:24Oh, congratulations.

01:32:26Look, what went wrong?

01:32:27I blew my raspberry hundreds of times and nothing happened.

01:32:30I've still got one more wish to go, you know.

01:32:32How did you figure that out?

01:32:33Well, I was the intellectual.

01:32:35I was Sir Stanley Moon, the businessman.

01:32:37I was the fly, the pop singer, the student.

01:32:40And this one makes sense.

01:32:41What about the Frobisher and Gleeson?

01:32:43That didn't count.

01:32:44Of course it did. It was a wish, wasn't it?

01:32:46That reminds me.

01:32:48I owe you sixpence.

01:32:52Here we are.

01:32:53Now we're even.

01:32:54Then I'm stuck as a woman.

01:32:56As a nun.

01:32:57You should have specified the sex.

01:33:05You've won, haven't you, George?

01:33:07I've won.

01:33:08I've won.

01:33:09I've won.

01:33:10I've won.

01:33:12You've won, haven't you, George?

01:33:13Well, if I can't have Margaret, I'll kill myself.

01:33:16Sorry, Stanley.

01:33:17It's out of the question.

01:33:19Whatever you are in your last wish, you remain forever.

01:33:42Isn't this a terrific party?

01:33:44Terrific for some, ducky.

01:33:46Look at the lousy table I've got.

01:34:11Come on, sweetie, let's dance.

01:34:25No, thank you.

01:34:36Are you going now, George?

01:34:38Yes, Stanley.

01:34:40I thought I'd just sneak away quietly.

01:34:42I don't want to spoil the party.

01:34:45Well, I hope you get back in.

01:34:48You know, upstairs.

01:34:49Thank you very much.

01:34:50Apart from Margaret, you're the only person I've ever enjoyed talking to.

01:34:55Now you're going and, well, I can't talk to her.

01:35:00I'll rather miss you.

01:35:02I'll miss you too, Stanley.

01:35:04You know, looking round the party at everybody.

01:35:08All of them trying to be something they weren't in the first place.

01:35:12All I want to be is me.

01:35:14What I was before I met you.

01:35:16But that's impossible.

01:35:18You can't be that without your soul.

01:35:21Being me didn't seem like very much at the time.

01:35:25Well, it wasn't very much, but it's a good deal better than the alternatives.

01:35:31I'd give anything to be myself again.

01:35:37But I don't have anything to give, really, do I?

01:35:43Look, I'll tell you what, Stanley.

01:35:45I've got me 100 billion souls and a few to spare.

01:35:47I don't really need yours.

01:35:49It's not much of a catch.

01:35:50I could give it you back again.

01:35:52Is it possible?

01:35:54Well, it's never been done before.

01:35:55It's a very magnanimous gesture.

01:35:58In fact, it's a glorious gesture.

01:36:01Part of my new image.

01:36:03Here we are.

01:36:04I knew you weren't all bad.

01:36:06Of course not.

01:36:07I've just been thoroughly misunderstood.

01:36:09Now then, take this.

01:36:10Burn it up.

01:36:11And when it's all gone, you'll be Stanley Moon again.

01:36:14Short order chef.

01:36:15Caucasian.

01:36:1628.

01:36:17Male.

01:36:18And what about Margaret?

01:36:20She'll be at Wimpy's as usual.

01:36:21Nobody will know that any of this has ever happened.

01:36:25You're an angel, George.

01:36:27Here's hoping.

01:36:28Do me a favour, Stanley.

01:36:29Look after the party for me.

01:36:30See everybody has a good time.

01:36:32And when that's done, it's over to you.

01:36:34I'll do my best.

01:36:41Bye, George.

01:36:42Bye, Stanley.

01:36:44Oh, I'm so good and kind and pretty.

01:36:47I'll be his favourite one again.

01:37:05Hello, my good man.

01:37:07Are you St. Peter?

01:37:08Yes.

01:37:09I'd like to see God, please.

01:37:10Who shall I see is calling?

01:37:11Oh, come on.

01:37:12You know me.

01:37:13Beelzebub.

01:37:14Lucifer.

01:37:15Prince of Darkness.

01:37:16Have you an appointment?

01:37:17He's always got time for me.

01:37:19I'll just see if he's...

01:37:20Don't say you'll just see if he's in.

01:37:22Of course he's in.

01:37:24Blimey, how did you get this job?

01:37:26Would you wait here, sir?

01:37:27Hurry up, then.

01:37:29If I were you wanting to get in,

01:37:31If I were you wanting to get in,

01:37:33I should try being a bit more humble.

01:37:35Oh, would you really?

01:37:36Yes.

01:37:37I dare say you would.

01:37:38You're quite right, of course.

01:37:40Oh, no, I'll throw a bit of filth over myself.

01:37:42That should please him.

01:37:43Oh, misery.

01:37:45Misery.

01:37:48He'll see you now.

01:37:50Oh, thank you very much.

01:37:52Hello?

01:37:55God?

01:37:58It's me.

01:38:01Where are you?

01:38:05I wish you'd manifest yourself a bit.

01:38:07It's so hard just talking to thin air.

01:38:09On thy belly shalt thou go.

01:38:14Oh, blimey, you're not still on about that, are you?

01:38:18Oh, blimey, you're not still on about that, are you?

01:38:21All right.

01:38:22Dust shalt thou eat.

01:38:25Oh, naturally, yes.

01:38:26Dust, of course.

01:38:27What else?

01:38:28Mmm, delicious.

01:38:29This is very good.

01:38:30Yum, yum, yum.

01:38:31Speak.

01:38:33It's a bit difficult with all this dust in me mouth.

01:38:36But I've come about readmission.

01:38:38You know, I'm ready to come back in again and join you.

01:38:41Hast thou in thy purpose swayed or wavered?

01:38:46Swayed or wavered?

01:38:48Just take a look at the world.

01:38:50It's never been in such a mess.

01:38:52I've done a wonderful job.

01:38:54People are killing each other,

01:38:56lusting after each other's wives,

01:38:58worshipping false idols.

01:38:59I've done a marvellous job.

01:39:01It's never been so sinful, miserable and perverted.

01:39:04You should be very happy.

01:39:08Oh, don't go forming yourself into a whirlwind

01:39:12just because I got to a hundred billion souls first.

01:39:14Somebody's got to lose.

01:39:16Oh, I'll tell you something that'll really please you.

01:39:18I've done a good deed.

01:39:20I gave that little twitty soul back.

01:39:22Wasn't that generous?

01:39:23Made me feel marvellous.

01:39:26Well, come on.

01:39:28Am I in?

01:39:30Hello?

01:39:32Where are you?

01:39:34This way, please.

01:39:35What's happening?

01:39:37One moment he was talking to me, the next moment he was gone.

01:39:40I'm afraid you failed the entrance examination.

01:39:42I can't have failed.

01:39:43I've done everything he asked of me.

01:39:45And to show how repentant I was, I even did a good deed.

01:39:48Made me feel marvellous.

01:39:50Just like I was in the old days.

01:39:52There you are, you see.

01:39:53It sounds as if you made a good gesture for the wrong motives.

01:39:56What do you mean, wrong motives?

01:39:57For your own glory.

01:39:59To make you feel better than someone else.

01:40:01Oh.

01:40:02Well, I can fix that.

01:40:04I'll get Stanley to give me his soul back

01:40:06and then return it for the right reasons.

01:40:08I won't be proud.

01:40:09Tell God not to go away.

01:40:10I'll be back in a minute.

01:40:17Stanley!

01:40:18Hold everything!

01:40:20Stanley!

01:40:21Stanley!

01:40:23Where are you?

01:40:24It's me, George.

01:40:26Your old friend.

01:40:27I want your soul back.

01:40:29Just for a second.

01:40:30Then I'll get it back in a better way.

01:40:32I promise you.

01:40:33Where are you?

01:40:34Stanley!

01:40:36Are you in there?

01:40:37It's not a trick.

01:40:39Stanley!

01:40:41Stanley!

01:40:43Wait!

01:40:44Stanley!

01:41:00I'm going to do it.

01:41:02This time I'm going to do it.

01:41:04I've got to do it.

01:41:06I know I can.

01:41:07No, I will.

01:41:08Here, here I go.

01:41:10Now!

01:41:11Miss Spencer!

01:41:12Why is it Stanley?

01:41:17I wonder if you'd like to come and have dinner with me tonight.

01:41:20Sorry, I'm already doing something.

01:41:22Another night, perhaps.

01:41:28Stanley!

01:41:29Stanley!

01:41:30She could make it tonight.

01:41:32I could fix it.

01:41:33Tonight and every night.

01:41:34I've got a new deal for you.

01:41:37No thanks, George.

01:41:39I'd like to try it my way.

01:41:45What a triumph.

01:41:47Very funny.

01:41:51All right, you great git.

01:41:53You've asked for it.

01:41:55I'll cover the world in tasty fries and wimpy burgers.

01:41:59I'll fill it for you.

01:42:01I'll cover the world in tasty fries and wimpy burgers.

01:42:05I'll fill it full of concrete runways, motorways, aircraft, television and automobiles,

01:42:12advertising, plastic flowers and frozen food, supersonic bangs.

01:42:17I'll make it so noisy and disgusting that even you'll be ashamed of yourself.

01:42:23No wonder you've so few friends.

01:42:26You're unbelievable.

01:42:31Oh!

01:42:32Oh!

01:42:33Oh!

01:42:34Oh!

01:42:35Oh!

01:42:36Oh!

01:42:37Oh!

01:42:38Oh!

01:42:39Oh!

01:42:40Oh!

01:42:41Oh!

01:42:42Oh!

01:42:43Oh!

01:42:44Oh!

01:42:45Oh!

01:42:46Oh!

01:42:47Oh!

01:42:48Oh!

01:42:49Oh!

01:42:50Oh!

01:42:51Oh!

01:42:52Oh!

01:42:53Oh!

01:42:54Oh!

01:42:55Oh!

01:42:56Oh!

01:42:57Oh!

01:42:58Oh!

01:42:59Oh!

01:43:00Oh!

01:43:01Oh!

01:43:02Oh!

01:43:03Oh!

01:43:04Oh!

01:43:05Oh!

01:43:06Oh!

01:43:07Oh!

01:43:08Oh!

01:43:09Oh!

01:43:10Oh!

01:43:11Oh!

01:43:12Oh!

01:43:13Oh!

01:43:14Oh!

01:43:15Oh!

01:43:16Oh!

01:43:17Oh!

01:43:18Oh!

01:43:19Oh!

01:43:20Oh!

01:43:21Oh!

01:43:22Oh!

01:43:23Oh!

01:43:24Oh!

01:43:25Oh!

01:43:26Oh!

01:43:27Oh!

01:43:28Oh!

01:43:29Oh!

01:43:30Oh!

01:43:31Oh!

01:43:32Oh!

01:43:33Oh!

01:43:34Oh!

01:43:35Oh!

01:43:36Oh!

01:43:37Oh!

01:43:38Oh!

01:43:39Oh!

01:43:40Oh!

01:43:41Oh!

01:43:42Oh!

01:43:43Oh!

01:43:44Oh!

01:43:45Oh!

01:43:46Oh!

01:43:47Oh!

01:43:48Oh!

01:43:49Oh!

01:43:50Oh!

01:43:51Oh!

01:43:52Oh!

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