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Short filmTranscript
00:00 [Music]
00:10 [Music]
00:38 [Singing]
01:06 Mother, Mother, come here, come here, now listen.
01:11 Don't try to tell me that that's sugar.
01:13 I just found out that for two years I've been drinking my coffee with salt in it.
01:18 And I'm telling you it's sugar.
01:20 I've been cooking for 25 years and I certainly ought to know the difference between salt and sugar.
01:25 What's the trouble?
01:26 Mother says this is sugar and I say it's salt.
01:29 Oh, I see.
01:30 What do you think?
01:31 You're both right, it's flour.
01:33 See, what did I tell you?
01:35 Grace, what are you doing with that?
01:37 Oh, I just took the screen off the window to let the flies out of the room.
01:40 Far it from me be, no, no, far, far it be.
01:44 Quiet, John, quiet.
01:46 Grace, dear, the landlord said he's going to raise the rent.
01:49 Oh, Mother, did you thank him?
01:50 You know, Father's been trying to raise the rent all month and couldn't.
01:53 What would you like for breakfast?
01:55 Well, first I'll have my coffee and then my toast and then my eggs and then my bacon and then my orange juice.
02:00 You're having your breakfast backwards.
02:02 Yeah, I know, my stomach is upset.
02:04 Come on, dear, you'll have to hurry.
02:05 You'll be late for work.
02:06 See, look at that.
02:07 And be sure to put on your galoshes.
02:09 And, Mother, I think she ought to have a sweater.
02:11 No, I don't need a sweater.
02:12 You should be very careful.
02:13 I've got it, Mother.
02:14 And put your umbrella on.
02:15 Bundle up well, honey.
02:16 And don't forget your umbrella.
02:17 Yes, I know you can't do this.
02:19 It's your own fault.
02:20 Don't forget your umbrella.
02:21 And close it.
02:22 Are you all right, dear?
02:23 And look out for the taxi.
02:24 Yes, and be careful.
02:25 And be sure to phone me.
02:26 You know how I worry.
02:27 Oh, Mother, goodbye, all of us.
02:29 I know you do, dear.
02:30 Bye-bye, dear.
02:31 Goodbye, darling.
02:32 Goodbye.
02:33 I'll see you later.
02:34 Good morning.
02:35 Good morning, Miss Ellen.
02:36 I know, but I'm worried, though, I hear that she's all right.
02:39 That poor dear baby of mine.
02:41 What will they ever do?
02:42 Oh, don't matter.
02:43 Hello?
02:44 Ravenswood, 8-800-0.
02:46 Yes, I know.
02:47 Oh, yes.
02:48 Hello.
02:49 Hello, Mother?
02:50 Yes, dear.
02:51 Well, I just made it, Mother.
02:52 Oh, I'm so glad, dear.
02:53 Look how good.
02:54 Huh, dear?
02:55 Yeah, how is Daddy?
02:56 Oh, he's fine, dear.
02:57 Oh, that's good.
02:58 Oh, I'm so glad.
02:59 How is Daddy?
03:00 Oh, he's fine, dear.
03:01 Oh, that's good.
03:02 He's feeling better, huh?
03:03 Yes, dear.
03:04 All right, well, I'll see you later, Mother.
03:05 Yes, darling.
03:06 Goodbye.
03:07 Goodbye, darling.
03:08 Goodbye.
03:09 You sure this is all the murder stories you got?
03:10 I'm sorry, but this is all at present.
03:13 Well, they're all good murders, huh?
03:15 They're all marvelous.
03:16 Excellent, really.
03:17 Yeah, yeah.
03:18 With the last book I bought, there was only 12 people killed in the first chapter.
03:21 12, huh?
03:22 Why, in these books, there are 15 or 20 murders on every page.
03:25 You'd be surprised.
03:26 Oh, well, that's much better.
03:27 Yeah.
03:28 Well, in fact, that fixes you up, and thank you very much on that.
03:31 Now, come in next week, well, I will have some marvelous books in next week.
03:33 Yeah, you bet I will.
03:34 Goodbye.
03:35 Come right in.
03:36 Sure, any time.
03:37 Thanks very much.
03:38 Now, go ahead and be comical now.
03:39 Ask me if I got a match.
03:40 Well, have you got a match?
03:41 Sure.
03:42 There you are.
03:43 Thanks very much.
03:44 It's awfully nice of you.
03:45 Have you got a match?
03:46 Well, what is that?
03:47 Something I can do for you?
03:48 Yes, there's a match for you.
03:49 Thanks very much.
03:50 Thanks very much.
03:51 My name is George Burns.
03:52 I suppose your name is Sam Smith.
03:53 How'd you guess it?
03:54 I looked out the window and said, "Proprietor, Tom Jones," so immediately I knew that you
03:59 were Sam Smith.
04:00 Well, you're right.
04:01 My name's Al Brown.
04:02 Glad to meet you, Mr. Davids.
04:03 Pleasure to know you.
04:04 Now, what can I do for you?
04:05 Well, I'd like to buy a true story book with all the trimmings.
04:08 How would you like the life of Victor Young?
04:11 I wouldn't like anybody's life.
04:12 I'd like to buy a book and go home.
04:14 Miss Allen will take care of you, and Miss Allen.
04:16 Yes?
04:17 Will you take care of George Burns?
04:18 Oh, certainly.
04:19 Thanks very much.
04:20 Mr. Newman, would you tell that taxi cab will be right out?
04:22 Please.
04:23 Thank you.
04:24 Uh, Miss Allen.
04:25 Oh, I'm sorry if I was late, but I fell.
04:28 Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
04:29 Did you hurt yourself?
04:30 Oh, no.
04:31 I fell asleep.
04:32 You fell asleep?
04:33 Yes.
04:34 That's fine.
04:35 Well, I'd like a book.
04:36 Hey, hey, you bill us $1.
04:37 I'll be right out.
04:38 Wait for me outside.
04:39 $1.
04:40 Look, Miss Allen, I'd like to buy a book, and what would you advise?
04:42 Would you advise the old writers, or would you advise the new writers?
04:46 Oh, I'd advise the old writers.
04:47 You see, my brother had new writers, and it was very painful.
04:50 New writers?
04:51 Yes.
04:52 That last joke was a little painful, too.
04:53 But my father cured my brother.
04:55 Your father?
04:56 Yes.
04:57 Well, how is your father?
04:58 My father?
04:59 Oh, he's all right, if you like fathers.
05:01 If you like fathers?
05:02 Yeah.
05:03 Well, don't you like your father?
05:04 Well, I'm a little like this.
05:05 Oh, a little like that?
05:06 Yeah.
05:07 What's the matter with him?
05:08 Well, you know, I think my father drinks a little.
05:10 You think your father drinks?
05:11 Yeah.
05:12 He came home last night, and he had a black eye.
05:14 He punched my brother.
05:15 He broke a mirror.
05:16 He fell down, and he lay there.
05:17 Kind of hinting that he was drinking.
05:19 Yeah.
05:20 I went over to my mother, and I says, Mama, I think Papa's drunk.
05:23 I'll bet your mother was surprised.
05:24 Yeah.
05:25 She thought he was dead.
05:26 Hmm.
05:27 What did your brother say?
05:28 Yeah, oh, they didn't say anything.
05:29 You see, they're twins.
05:31 They didn't say anything?
05:32 They're twins?
05:33 Yeah, only Joe hasn't got a wooden leg.
05:36 Oh, this is going to be all right.
05:38 Joe hasn't got a wooden leg.
05:39 And Harry has.
05:40 Harry has?
05:41 Yeah.
05:42 My mother has a cute little way of telling them apart.
05:44 I'll bet she has.
05:45 She kicks Joe in the leg, and if he hollers out, it's Harry.
05:48 Hey, your bill is $2.
05:51 I'll see you outside.
05:52 That taxi cab driver thinks he's not going to be paid.
05:54 He's right.
05:55 Look, miss, I'm in a hurry.
05:56 A book, please.
05:57 I'd like to go.
05:58 Let's see.
05:59 Oh, how much would you like a book about a dog?
06:00 No, I'm not interested in dogs.
06:01 I don't know--
06:02 Well, you know, my brother Harry has a police dog
06:04 for protection from robbers.
06:05 You don't say.
06:06 Yeah, and last week, a robber got in the house,
06:08 and the dog bit Harry.
06:09 The dog bit Harry?
06:10 Yes.
06:11 I'll bet the dog died.
06:12 Yeah, he did.
06:13 I was afraid of that.
06:14 You know, I always thought that a police dog
06:15 was a one-man dog.
06:16 Yeah, but Harry wasn't the man.
06:18 Harry wasn't the man.
06:19 Yeah.
06:20 I'll bet you can tell them apart now
06:21 since Harry has that bite.
06:22 Oh, no, the twins still look alike.
06:24 Well, they look so much alike, people take them for triplets.
06:27 People take them for triplets?
06:29 Yes.
06:30 Wish the cab driver would take me out of here.
06:31 How could twins be taken for triplets?
06:33 Well, you see, my brother Joe is two-faced.
06:36 Your brother Joe is two--
06:37 I suppose you know what you're talking about.
06:39 Well, certainly I know what I'm talking about.
06:42 Far be me from it, not to know what I'm talking about.
06:45 Just a minute.
06:46 One minute.
06:47 What did you say?
06:48 I said, far be me from it, not to know what I'm--
06:49 No, no, no, not far be me from it.
06:51 You mean, far be it.
06:53 Far-- just a minute.
06:54 Far--
06:55 Far be me from it.
06:57 Well, you know, for a minute, I thought you were wrong.
06:59 Yes.
07:00 Silly of me.
07:01 I'll bet that you have a lot of sisters and brothers.
07:03 I have a lot of sisters and brothers, haven't you guessed?
07:05 Well, I figure anybody that makes one mistake
07:07 makes a whole lot of mistakes.
07:08 That's my own idea.
07:09 Oh, you're silly.
07:10 Say, how would you like a book about a desert?
07:13 A desert?
07:14 Yes.
07:15 A desert?
07:16 Yes.
07:17 How do you know it's about a desert?
07:18 Well, look at the sand.
07:19 Well, look, between the jokes in here
07:21 and the cab driver outside, I'll probably die laughing.
07:24 Yeah, the sand in the book was one of my brother Harry's jokes.
07:27 I suppose your brother Harry was one of your father's jokes.
07:30 Yeah.
07:31 There you go again.
07:32 There's a book on London right here.
07:33 Oh, would you like that on London?
07:35 Well, I don't know.
07:36 Do you-- do you-- do you really think that London
07:38 is the foggiest place in the world?
07:39 Oh, no, no.
07:40 I was to a place much foggier.
07:41 Is that so?
07:42 Yes.
07:43 Where's that?
07:44 Well, it was so foggy, I couldn't see where it was.
07:46 Hmm.
07:47 I'll bet you have trouble seeing with your eyes open.
07:49 Yes, I have.
07:50 Oh, hi.
07:51 Hello, sonny.
07:52 Hey.
07:53 Oh.
07:54 Hey, the bill is $3.
07:55 How much is that taxi?
07:56 $3.
07:57 That's a very good buy for $3.
07:59 Did you say goodbye?
08:00 Yes, goodbye, goodbye.
08:02 I'll see you outside.
08:04 Silly talk.
08:05 Say, here's a lovely book.
08:07 What's, uh-- what's the name of that?
08:08 Uh, "The Last Days of Pompeii."
08:10 "The Last Days of Pompeii?"
08:11 Yes.
08:12 Well, what did he die from?
08:13 Well, I don't know.
08:14 I think it was an eruption.
08:15 You think it was an eruption?
08:16 Yes.
08:17 I don't think I like that the covers are too far apart.
08:19 Oh, well, we can easily fix that.
08:21 Look.
08:23 There, that's better, isn't it?
08:24 Yeah, well, that's a little better.
08:25 How much is that?
08:26 Well, that's $6.
08:27 $6?
08:28 Yes.
08:29 I haven't got $5.
08:30 Oh.
08:31 I've only got between $18 and $20.
08:33 Oh, well, then you have $5.
08:35 No, I have between $18 and $20.
08:37 I have $2.
08:38 Oh, no.
08:39 I couldn't sell it for $2.
08:40 Well, look at the leather and look at the gold letters
08:42 and everything.
08:43 Well, all right, then we can't do any business, that's all.
08:45 I mean, it's--
08:46 Well, now, look.
08:47 Maybe we can.
08:48 Suppose you take it without the cover.
08:49 Would that help?
08:50 Without the cover?
08:51 Yeah.
08:52 Well, I don't know.
08:53 You see, I always read a book before I buy it,
08:54 and then I don't buy it.
08:55 I mean, that's--
08:56 Oh, well, I can help you out there.
08:57 Now, look.
08:58 You take a page home, and if you like,
08:59 come back and we'll do business.
09:00 Is that really a good book?
09:02 Oh, the finish is marvelous.
09:04 The finish?
09:05 Well, what-- what about the beginning?
09:06 Well, I don't know.
09:07 I'm not up that far.
09:08 You're not up that far?
09:09 No.
09:10 Hey, your bill is $4.
09:12 $4?
09:13 Well, just a minute.
09:14 I'll pay and get rid of you.
09:15 Look, I don't want to leave without buying something.
09:16 I'll give you $1 for the book.
09:18 Well, yeah, all right.
09:19 I'll take $1.
09:20 All right, fine.
09:21 I've got $1 here.
09:22 I'll-- just hold this a minute, will you?
09:23 I'm sure I have $1.
09:24 Oh, there it is.
09:25 There it is.
09:26 No, no.
09:27 That's-- that's a $5.
09:28 That's a $5.
09:29 Well, that's all right.
09:30 I'll take $1 and I'll give you the $4.
09:31 All right.
09:32 All right, now just a minute.
09:33 Now just give me $4.
09:34 That's it.
09:35 That's $1 for the book.
09:36 Yeah.
09:37 And $4 for me and $4 to you.
09:38 That evens us up.
09:39 Yeah.
09:40 And I'm sure I had $1 someplace.
09:41 Oh, oh, there's the $1.
09:43 There's the $1.
09:44 Now give me back my $5, please.
09:45 I found my $5.
09:46 Isn't that lucky?
09:47 Yeah.
09:48 Oh, I say.
09:49 Thanks very much.
09:50 That's a square, son.
09:51 Dad.
09:52 Oh, I think he's been cheated.
09:54 Did I hear you say cheated?
09:55 Cheated.
09:56 I say cheated.
09:57 Oh, I wouldn't cheat anybody.
09:58 Far be me from it, I couldn't cheat anybody.
10:00 Now just a minute.
10:01 We had that same trouble over there.
10:03 It isn't far, it's far from it, be me to it.
10:06 I know you're right.
10:07 Say, you're both wrong.
10:09 It's far be it from me.
10:11 Look, stick to the cab.
10:12 Go, go.
10:13 It's far from it.
10:14 Far be me from it.
10:15 Now just a minute.
10:16 Now why won't it be me?
10:17 My mother would talk.
10:18 Let me, it's far from--
10:19 Just a minute, just a minute.
10:20 What you mean is far from it, be me.
10:22 Oh, he's even--
10:24 Wait a minute.
10:26 It's far be it from me to it.
10:29 Just a minute.
10:30 It's far from it, be it.
10:32 Wrong again.
10:33 Far from it.
10:34 Now just a minute.
10:36 Now I don't want to butt in here, but that expression is far it from me, be.
10:40 That's your father.
10:41 Yeah, how'd he get it?
10:42 I thought so.
10:43 It's far from it.
10:44 Listen, I know the man who invented it.
10:45 It's far from it.
10:46 Wait a minute.
10:47 It's far from it.
10:48 It's far from it.
10:49 I know where I get it from.
10:50 No, no, no.
10:51 It's far from it.
10:52 It's far from it.
10:53 [music playing]
10:54 [music playing]
11:01 [music playing]
11:06 [BLANK_AUDIO]