Comedian’s Comedian Podcast host and ‘expert stand-up’ (Times) Goldsmith now commits to the bit. This year: second | dG1fWURnNWo1aWJmRmM
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Short filmTranscript
00:00 Since I last saw you people of Bristol, I am married, I'm a married man.
00:04 Thank you, thank you very much. I've realised I've got to stop showing that to people as if it proves anything.
00:08 You can't just buy these.
00:10 Save an awful lot of fuss.
00:13 So we got married last year. I'm sure some of you are married and like us you've probably spent an entire year getting ready for it.
00:20 So much planning goes into it. Even the guest list.
00:23 You want to invite everybody, you can't invite everyone you love. Resources are limited.
00:27 At one point we found ourselves looking down the guest list trying to thin it out based on how we reckon people voted on Europe.
00:33 Which is...
00:35 Not even on how they voted, on how we reckon they did.
00:39 That's worse, isn't it?
00:41 I'm not going to make things awkward here, obviously you or anyone watching at home.
00:45 I don't care which way you voted, I'm sure you don't care which way I voted.
00:48 Everyone at every show I do is welcome.
00:51 Which is obviously how our lot like to treat people.
00:54 Oh sure.
00:57 Sure, yeah, that's some smug middle class people clapping for a smug middle class guy for suggesting anyone that thinks differently to us is racist.
01:04 You're welcome.
01:06 But it was tricky. After the referendum everyone was in the same position.
01:11 No matter which side you voted, or even if you didn't, everyone had the same reaction the next morning.
01:16 Every single person opened their front door and went "There are werewolves now."
01:20 "There are werewolves out there and they look like us and smell like us but they are not us."
01:26 And all of us looked at our neighbour and went "I'm a villager, what are you?"
01:31 "Oh you're a villager too? Fantastic, what a relief."
01:34 "Which way did you vote out of interest?"
01:36 "For the good of the village."
01:38 "Sounds like werewolf chat, goodbye, we head away."
01:41 We've never been more divided as a nation, have we?
01:48 Not since Cavaliers and Roundheads.
01:50 Not since that whole thing about whether the death of Princess Diana was meaningless or irrelevant.
01:55 We haven't been...
01:57 Oh, even here.
01:59 Even here.
02:01 She was the princess of our hearts.
02:03 Neither of those things is a thing.
02:05 So...
02:07 We got all lovely and married and it was very exciting.
02:11 I nearly blew it, two weeks before the big day I accidentally used the word "bridezilla".
02:15 Now, before you judge...
02:17 Oh sorry, while you judge me...
02:19 The context is very important.
02:21 I said to her "Look, I'm not saying you're some sort of bridezilla."
02:24 "I'm an idiot, of course I should never have said that."
02:26 She only heard that one word, she stamped her foot, she was furious.
02:29 She said "No, no, I'm organizedzilla."
02:32 I was like "It's the zilla that's the bad bitch, surely..."
02:36 Surely that's like... you could be rainbowzilla and that would...
02:41 You could be fluffzilla, that would still suggest you were some thousand foot tall fluff monster that was hard to work alongside of.
02:48 Organizedzilla is the most formidable opponent, surely.
02:52 That monster will tear down your skyscraper, having first cancelled your building insurance.
02:56 But we did it. We got away with it and we got lovely and married.
03:03 And because of the slightly unusual circumstances under which we got together...
03:07 I won't bore you with the details, but basically a six year long distance relationship.
03:11 I lived in London, she lived in Bristol. Where are we going to live?
03:14 She got tactically pregnant, now I live in Bristol.
03:17 And I'm sensing I'm not the only person here that was taken out by that particular trip.
03:23 But because of that, what it means is that we are now living together with a baby and married...
03:30 When we haven't really had that much time living together before.
03:33 Now I know the married people are thinking...
03:36 I am learning some fascinating things about her which are permanent.
03:40 One of them, for example, is that she has terrible insomnia.
03:45 I knew that, but I didn't realize the breadth of her insomnia.
03:48 She's a really light sleeper.
03:50 So when I get home after a gig, as I will most nights, maybe midnight, one in the morning...
03:54 I creep into our house, I have to almost break into our house like I'm a burglar.
03:58 I have to slide the key into the lock like I'm burgling it.
04:01 I push the door open, I've oiled the hinges.
04:03 Olive oil, but if you don't fry with it, it's fine.
04:06 I have to tiptoe over floorboards one, five and seven.
04:11 And then take my trousers off downstairs.
04:14 Because if I take my trousers off in our bedroom, the clink of my belt buckle hitting the floor...
04:18 That will wake her up.
04:20 So I have to carry my clothes as I creep upstairs naked like a sexy burglar.
04:25 Is that what they're called?
04:28 And then I get onto the landing and I have to wee in the dark...
04:32 Because we've got a pull cord light switch, so no matter how slowly you pull it...
04:35 Like...
04:37 There's a chance you let go...
04:39 That will wake her up.
04:40 I've said to her, let's get a new light switch.
04:42 She says, it's not a problem. It is a problem.
04:44 So then I'm negotiating my way around the bathroom.
04:48 I have to wee down the side of the toilet.
04:51 The inside. I'm not a monster.
04:54 It's not some sort of dirty protest.
04:58 It's a secret ninja wee of the sort that men think only men can do.
05:02 But women are like, oh I've got moves.
05:04 And then creep into the bedroom, peel back the duvet...
05:07 Assume the length of a sort of rhythmic gymnast.
05:10 And then roll over my axis, peel the duvet back over me...
05:14 And lie there, prone and unmoving, until I fall asleep.
05:18 And I have to do that every night for the rest of my life.
05:25 It's always nice to perform in a venue that looks and feels like a really oversubscribed one of those puzzle room escape games.
05:33 It's always nice to perform in a venue that looks and feels like a really oversubscribed one of those puzzle room escape games.
05:37 [laughter]
05:39 [silence]
05:41 [silence]
05:43 [BLANK_AUDIO]