Stuart Goldsmith: Like I Mean It | movie | 2019 | Official Clip - video Dailymotion

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Comedian’s Comedian Podcast host and ‘expert stand-up’ (Times) Goldsmith now commits to the bit. This year: second | dG1fNVBfbmN1eTY0dFE

Transcript

00:00 Ladies and gentlemen, I have one last story to tell you.

00:02 I'm going to tell you about how I dropped him.

00:04 Now...

00:05 When you hear people say, "Holding the baby,"

00:15 like, "Muggins here was left holding the baby,"

00:18 that sounds like a negative thing, doesn't it?

00:19 But it turns out it's preferable...

00:21 ..to dropping the baby.

00:25 We take him swimming,

00:29 and I resent that, because as far as I'm concerned,

00:32 the defining characteristic of becoming an adult

00:35 is that no-one can make you go swimming anymore, right?

00:37 You're a kid, you're like, "Come on, we're going swimming."

00:40 "I don't want to." "No-one cares."

00:41 You get dragged along, you've got to get all changed

00:44 and it's all awkward and cold and there's all pubes on the floor

00:48 and none on you and you're like, "Oh, God, I don't know,"

00:51 and then you go for a swim, which is basically a walk,

00:53 except you can immediately die.

00:54 And then you get back from your swim

00:57 and you've got to do the same thing again in reverse

00:58 and it's all cold and chafing and wet and awful and towels

01:01 and you think that's it, you become a grown-up,

01:04 you think, "That's it, no-one can make me go swimming anymore.

01:08 "I'm an adult."

01:09 And then you have a child and your partner goes,

01:10 "Well, you're taking him swimming,"

01:11 and you go, "No, there was a line in the sand,

01:14 "there was a principle..."

01:16 So, anyway, I take him swimming and we go...

01:18 ..we go to our local fantastic baby swimming club.

01:22 Now, there's a lot of things you can do with your baby during the day.

01:24 A lot of them are just basically parent suicide prevention.

01:28 They're just, "Get them out the house, get them back in the world,

01:30 "get them doing stuff."

01:31 They're not all good.

01:32 Baby yoga, I've got some questions about.

01:35 I think... I've never been, but I assume it's just a hippie

01:38 with six babies on a foam mat going, "Just breathe, babies, just breathe.

01:42 "You're probably a bit tired out, a bit wound up after your fifth nap.

01:45 "Just breathe while I count the money."

01:47 But I tell you, a really good one is baby sign language.

01:52 I cannot stress how good this is.

01:54 If you're having a kid, when they're a baby,

01:55 take them to baby sign language.

01:57 They can communicate before they can talk.

01:59 You can learn some basic signs and actually have a chat with them.

02:01 You can learn, like, milk, biscuit, breech, breech,

02:05 snipers, three, on the roof, go, go, stack up, A squad.

02:09 But I do approve of baby swimming, so we go along to rubber ducks

02:20 and we all get in the swimming pool together

02:23 and we swish the babies from side to side.

02:25 I don't know why we take them swimming.

02:26 Everyone knows babies can basically swim anyway.

02:29 We've all seen the Nirvana album cover.

02:30 You wave ten bucks at them and they're just like...

02:34 I think it's because he used to be sperm quite recently,

02:37 so he sort of remembers.

02:39 So we get them there and we swish them around

02:47 as we all sing the school song.

02:49 Often, I'm the only dad there and as a result,

02:51 I've got a deeper register in my voice,

02:53 which means that everyone can hear that I don't know the words or the tune

02:55 and I've got no concept of what key is.

02:57 And it's just me and nine mums in bikinis

03:01 and you can't make friends with them because it's hard.

03:03 I don't respect you at all.

03:07 Swish them from side to side.

03:11 # Welcome everyone to rubber ducks

03:14 # We'll have lots of fun at rubber ducks

03:16 # I wish I were dead at rubber ducks... #

03:19 And I used to resent it. I don't mind it now.

03:23 He quite enjoys it.

03:24 So we finish up and then after the session,

03:26 we go into the changing rooms.

03:28 99% of the mums are in the fema...

03:30 Sorry, 100% of the mums are in the...

03:33 There's not one who snuck in.

03:36 Just hiding in a locker.

03:37 "It's been ages. Give us a look."

03:40 I mean, 99% of the time, I'm the only dad in the gents' changing rooms.

03:45 In the mums' one, they've got chat and bonding and mutual support

03:48 and our trust games, I don't know, knitting.

03:51 And crucially, they have a travel cot,

03:54 which you can put your baby in

03:56 while you do the chafey getting changed awkward bit.

03:58 There's no travel cot in the gents' changing rooms.

04:01 There is now.

04:03 Since the incident.

04:06 So...

04:07 So there's nowhere to put him but a bench.

04:11 So there's a bench there, a bit lower, lower...

04:13 Not a lot lower.

04:15 And I didn't drop him, I put him.

04:18 I put him on the bench.

04:20 And I told him, "Don't fall off.

04:23 "You fall off. No."

04:25 Right? So I held him with one foot.

04:28 So I turned naked to wring my shorts out in the little grill thing there.

04:32 But I couldn't quite reach, so I chanced it and I just hopped.

04:36 He seized the moment.

04:37 He spooned himself off the bench.

04:39 I teleported back across the room and I caught him,

04:41 but I caught him too late.

04:43 I caught him like this.

04:45 Like that. Like...

04:47 I protected the floor, is what I did.

04:50 I got... Probably the replay would show that I got him on the bounce.

04:53 It was probably like...

04:54 HE GROANS

04:55 LAUGHTER

04:57 And he didn't cry, which is worse than if he'd cry.

05:03 LAUGHTER

05:04 And I'm gathering him up and drying him and drying myself

05:08 and freak him out.

05:09 And, of course, the big question, do I tell his mum?

05:11 "No."

05:12 LAUGHTER

05:14 But then what if he's got concussion and they're together

05:16 and I've gone off somewhere else in a few hours,

05:18 and he starts... HE GROANS

05:20 And she doesn't know why.

05:23 Still no. She's got enough on her plate.

05:24 It's fine.

05:26 So I finished getting him dry and I went out just as I was leaving.

05:29 There was another dad in the room on that occasion.

05:31 He was getting his little girl ready for the next session

05:34 and he dealt with it brilliantly.

05:35 He didn't look at me or make eye contact at all.

05:37 LAUGHTER

05:39 Until just as I was leaving, I pushed the door open

05:45 and I shot him a glance that I intended to mean,

05:49 "We shall say nothing of this."

05:51 And he looked back at me with a look that I interpreted as,

05:56 "Fathers for justice."

05:57 LAUGHTER

05:58 So...

06:00 Went outside to the car park, got the kid in his car seat,

06:03 put him in, strapped him in his little baby car seat

06:06 in the back of the car.

06:07 I got in the back of the car next to him, shaking,

06:09 closed the car door.

06:11 He started howling and I joined in.

06:13 LAUGHTER

06:15 Thank you very much.

06:16 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

06:18 Thank you.

06:19 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

06:21 Thank you.

06:22 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

06:24 It's always nice to perform in a venue that looks and feels

06:27 like a really oversubscribed one of those Puzzle Room escape games.

06:31 LAUGHTER

06:32 LAUGHTER

06:33 LAUGHTER

06:34 LAUGHTER

06:35 LAUGHTER

06:36 LAUGHTER

06:37 LAUGHTER

06:38 LAUGHTER

06:39 [BLANK_AUDIO]

Stuart Goldsmith: Like I Mean It | movie | 2019 | Official Clip

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