00:00 Mr. Toffee, what is the effect of this on our children,
00:05 our boys, if they don't have their father figure?
00:09 At least, when they are still young, what will be the effect of this when they grow up?
00:14 That's a very good question, Ma'am Shredge.
00:16 It starts around the late childhood years, around age 8 going to age 12.
00:21 So we have what we call same parent identification.
00:25 Meaning, the child starts to identify what their parent is like.
00:31 So the boy is now entering the point where he is becoming a man.
00:36 So for example, what your father is doing, you repeat it, you copy it.
00:40 Now, if you don't have a father figure, usually you get confused.
00:44 How will I push through?
00:46 Okay, what is my model?
00:48 Because for us as humans, we learn from modeling.
00:51 So how you see your parents, that is also what you imbibe in yourself.
00:57 So if your parents are absent-parent, unfortunately,
01:00 you will not develop, but it is more challenging.
01:04 Because you are looking for a pattern that you will emulate.
01:09 And then while you are growing up, that is the chance that you are left on your own devices.
01:15 Meaning, there is no one guiding you, there is no one advising you.
01:18 So what happens is, you are alone in your decision.
01:21 So whatever the consequence of your decision, you are alone in it.
01:24 You don't know that it is wrong, that it is your decision.
01:27 Sometimes you know it is wrong, it is just the truth,
01:29 but sometimes you think that at that time, that is all you can do.
01:33 I am not the one who is wrong, Sir Toby.
01:35 He is not saying that.
01:36 He is looking at me.
01:37 So sometimes you know it is wrong, but you are doing it.
01:41 Yes, because again, for you, you are being paranoid.
01:44 Meaning, you are not sure if this is right or wrong, you are just guessing.
01:50 Because again, you are lacking the proper counsel of a father.
01:54 At the same time, as we then become adults,
01:58 this is the pressure that you should know what you are doing.
02:03 But that's why there is an excerpt that says,
02:05 the father and the son talked.
02:07 The son said, "Dad, why do you seem to know everything?"
02:11 The father said, "To be honest, I don't know everything.
02:14 I just seem to know everything.
02:16 I am just trying to look like someone else,
02:18 just to make you be confident also with yourself."
02:22 So sometimes, that kind of confidence of a father,
02:26 that is what is lacking.
02:28 For example, not only in the type of absence physically,
02:31 but the father really has no emotional connection with the son.
02:35 But Sir Toby, I read an article online that said,
02:40 men who had absent fathers are more likely to be absent fathers themselves.
02:49 There's a high chance. It's not automatic.
02:51 Sir Toby, please explain. I'm a bit late.
02:53 Because you are not learning how to be a father,
02:56 because your father did not become a father to you.
02:59 So it's like, when you have a family,
03:03 the question now is, "How will I do this?"
03:05 So what's happening now is this,
03:07 if you have an emotional detachment from your father,
03:11 when it comes to the time when you become a father,
03:14 two things can come out of it.
03:15 It's either one, you lack the proper behaviors that a father needs,
03:21 or you try to overcompensate.
03:23 For example, my dad is not always there when I have a birthday.
03:27 So when I become a father, I'll be there for all my son's birthdays.
03:31 I'll ensure that it's grand.
03:33 I'll ensure that my son feels special.
03:35 The good thing is, not all the times you give everything is right.
03:40 There are times when you overcompensate,
03:44 to the point that the next child is already being bullied.
03:47 So that is why, in those times, talking to someone is still very important.
03:52 Because remember, when it comes to mental health,
03:55 it's not just like you'll go to someone when you're sick.
03:58 It's more of, even how you can improve,
04:01 how you can remove the worry from yourself,
04:03 that's where the mental health professionals like us will go.
04:07 Sir Toffee, thank you so much.
04:09 Always a pleasure, mga ma'am.
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04:21 [BLANK_AUDIO]
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