I am in the process of learning about my own insanity. I am male, in my 40s, top of my career field, I have a ridged moral system, am a great father, highly intelligent, charismatic, and by all outward appearances a stand up guy... but it's all defense mechanisms. That is the self identity I created, although from my insane perspective, God created. I have a Covert Borderline Personality Disorder. It used to be regular BPD, but in my mid 20's I realized my life sucked, and prayed and meditated for guidance... I had an amazing spiritual experience and came out the man I am now, I'm constantly self-improving. (I regressed to the womb and was reborn)
The only real drawback is an inability to have a real romantic relationship. My idea of love is childlike. It's highly romanticized. I think it should be magical. Easy. I can have transactional relationships (10 yrs long is my record) but it was loveless, for me. I can charm the panties almost any woman, but I've done that so many times it's also meaningless.
I have studied relationships, I can intellectualize them but I can only keep 1 or 2 close friends in my life, and I only maintain those so I don't lose my grip on reality and just live inside my own head.
The only relationship I REALLY have is with my son. He's my whole world. I love him in that perfect unconditional pure love way that I can't with anyone else.
6 months ago, my neighbor called frantic with an emergency. His 18 yr old granddaughter was raging in their home. Throwing things, screaming, pure rage.
I walked in, assest the situation, and gave her a huge hug! She immediately went limp into me. I asked if they wanted me to take her to my house, they did. I put my arm around her and she came along without any resistance. Total child like submission. I sat her down on my picnic table, and when I wiped the tears from her cheek, I felt God (for the 1st time since my rebirth) put a little pure love her in my soul. I thought, "what was that for?" I immediately got a response that was not my normal inner voice say, "love thy neighbor as you love yourself." I let nothing show on my face, I rarely do. I got her some food and drink, and her aunt came over and we all talked outside. The woman shouted, i kept a calm deep soothing voice. The girl was frantic about being raped. The aunt had heard this line a few times. Girl didn't feel safe anywhere. I interjected, "you seemed pretty calm and relaxed in my backyard." She agreed. I offered my basement for the night. It has 2 empty rooms and it's own bathroom, with a huge tub.
She declined, but was now calm and seemed composed. I gave them both my number, and they left.
A couple weeks later the girl called. She was looking for job, or a way to make money. I had tons of yard work, but she declined. I mentioned some help wanted signs I had seen, and that was about it....
The only real drawback is an inability to have a real romantic relationship. My idea of love is childlike. It's highly romanticized. I think it should be magical. Easy. I can have transactional relationships (10 yrs long is my record) but it was loveless, for me. I can charm the panties almost any woman, but I've done that so many times it's also meaningless.
I have studied relationships, I can intellectualize them but I can only keep 1 or 2 close friends in my life, and I only maintain those so I don't lose my grip on reality and just live inside my own head.
The only relationship I REALLY have is with my son. He's my whole world. I love him in that perfect unconditional pure love way that I can't with anyone else.
6 months ago, my neighbor called frantic with an emergency. His 18 yr old granddaughter was raging in their home. Throwing things, screaming, pure rage.
I walked in, assest the situation, and gave her a huge hug! She immediately went limp into me. I asked if they wanted me to take her to my house, they did. I put my arm around her and she came along without any resistance. Total child like submission. I sat her down on my picnic table, and when I wiped the tears from her cheek, I felt God (for the 1st time since my rebirth) put a little pure love her in my soul. I thought, "what was that for?" I immediately got a response that was not my normal inner voice say, "love thy neighbor as you love yourself." I let nothing show on my face, I rarely do. I got her some food and drink, and her aunt came over and we all talked outside. The woman shouted, i kept a calm deep soothing voice. The girl was frantic about being raped. The aunt had heard this line a few times. Girl didn't feel safe anywhere. I interjected, "you seemed pretty calm and relaxed in my backyard." She agreed. I offered my basement for the night. It has 2 empty rooms and it's own bathroom, with a huge tub.
She declined, but was now calm and seemed composed. I gave them both my number, and they left.
A couple weeks later the girl called. She was looking for job, or a way to make money. I had tons of yard work, but she declined. I mentioned some help wanted signs I had seen, and that was about it....
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