01:49Where the grass is greener, just beyond the hill.
01:54We'll laugh it up at troubles there.
01:58No one bursting bubbles there.
02:01Day after day we'll have thrill after thrill.
02:05So let's go where the grass is greener, where the grass is greener and skies are ever blue.
02:15To the east, to the west, either one is the best.
02:20For the grass is greener anywhere with you.
02:24At troubles there.
02:39No one bursting bubbles there.
02:43Day after day we'll have thrill after thrill.
02:47Let's go where the grass is greener, where the grass is greener and skies are ever blue.
02:57To the east, to the west, either one is the best.
03:02For the grass is greener, softer, cleaner.
03:09Anywhere, anywhere, anywhere with you.
03:13Thank you very much.
03:24Thank you very much indeed.
03:29Hello, hello, hello.
03:30I want to get the hellos over quick because I can't wait to meet my first guest.
03:33It's still a black, you see.
03:34And, well, we've been like that for a long time.
03:37We used to share dressing rooms at the Palladium.
03:40Yeah, sure, yeah.
03:41We didn't really know.
03:42No, we never met.
03:42We've never, ever met.
03:44This is the funny thing about it, you see.
03:45I shared her room.
03:46She was there during the week and I was there on a Sunday.
03:49So I shared her room, her tables, her chairs, her make-up.
03:52Didn't share her dresses, nothing my size.
03:54But, yeah, we sort of used to write these little notes to each other, you see.
03:58Like the first week she wrote, Dear Bruce, drink's in the cupboard, help yourself.
04:02And I wrote back, Dear Scylla, would love a drink, where's the key?
04:06And she wrote back, Dear Bruce, key's under the phone.
04:08And I wrote back, Dear Scylla, found the key, where's all the drink gone?
04:11And she wrote back, Dear Bruce, ah!
04:15And this all developed into a beautiful friendship, mainly because of the notes, you see.
04:19She's such a sexy writer.
04:21Oh, the way she writes B for Bruce.
04:24It's all curly and all cuddly and all lovely.
04:27And what she does to you, let alone me.
04:29But anyway, now I'm going to meet her for the very, very first time.
04:33Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Scylla Black.
04:52my hand close your eyes now turn around and don't open your eyes until you've
04:58counted three right right one two three
05:07I was only kidding I was okay darling you're really lovely a man say I'm so
05:12thrilled to have met you at last oh thanks Bruce
05:16you were kidding too weren't you hey oh hey you've got people out there of course I've got people out
05:23there well I didn't think this was a show that people actually watched well of course they watch
05:28it never mind about the people what about those little notes you used to write to me oh those notes
05:32hey they were a giggle weren't they a giggle oh foolish-hearted clown just the poor spirit doom
05:41for a certain term to walk the night it's from the casual ghost got nothing to do with anything
05:48but I thought I'd slip it in this is the same studio Eamon Andrews use it isn't it oh I don't know I
05:56don't know I wouldn't know dear I wouldn't know haven't you ever been on the Eamon Andrews show
05:59no as a matter of fact I haven't no aren't you any good then what's that got to do with it well
06:06they all say that if you're any good you get on the Eamon Andrews show who says well everybody who's
06:13been on it well never mind about the Eamon Andrews show don't mind about it for goodness sake I don't
06:21think it's the same studio I wouldn't know I wouldn't know I think it is because I recognize
06:25some of the cameras well it might be the same cameras yeah oh they're lovely cameras oh I've
06:32never noticed I've never thought of them about like that you know I bet she writes those notes
06:36as well oh never mind about the Eamon Andrews show let's get this show started am I the first one
06:42oh yes I always start off with an acrobatic act you're going flying in a minute oh Priscilla what
06:54about what about didn't those don't mean anything to you at all though really oh that was me own
07:01oh Priscilla I can't feel a thing that's it Priscilla oh of course they did love I mean I used to love
07:08coming in on Mondays and finding all those little notes you'd left behind and there's something
07:14else you left behind that people's wondering lightning in your ear no my big toes got a bit fixed
07:23well now that we're getting on somewhere what about half the show we're going to have something to eat
07:27oh I've already eaten oh well how about a drink I've already drunk I've already drunk
07:34who writes her material oh wait listen to me
07:40I wouldn't mind going to see a French film a French film film it's another language isn't it
07:49he's sending me up I'm not love well you haven't been up there all day
07:53a French film I love that the only trouble with these French films is I can never make out what
07:59they're saying oh but you'll be all right yeah yeah they write it all for you in English on the bottom
08:08do they funny I've never read it well let's go eh shall we go okay let's go
08:13to live the life of Robin Hood to dream the dream Cinderella could to share the magic of Hollywood
08:31to the movies we go to know the spell of Brando's glass to see how Liz puts a guy in trance to learn the
08:43facts of the life in France to the movies we go and it's heavenly when you let me
08:53hold your hand while we play the scene on the screen in the balcony
09:03and to think that we
09:07went and fell in love
09:11and you played the rancher's daughter of course and you played a cowboy in love with his horse
09:18and even now what do you think our dirty dishes are in the sink our tv set is on the blink
09:29and we want to see a show so it's up to the movies we go
09:38let's go oh do you like him oh I think he's good oh I don't think much to him I didn't like him in
09:51mutiny on the waterfront oh Liz I love Liz do you I think she's too fat yeah but in the right places
10:02oh I wish I had a pot of gold paint
10:18ah now there's our old she's lovely Audrey oh I think she's too thin yeah but in the right places
10:27hey look there's Frank now I'd like to be here you mean you want to be a fella
10:31no but then that way I'd get to meet team Martin oh silly
10:37come on let's find a seat we must find a seat and even now what do you think our dirty dishes are in
10:47the sink our tv set is on the blink and we wanna see a show so we talk to the movies
10:57up to the movies up to the movies up to the movies up to the movies we go
11:12that was lovely oh thank you there is a short dress you got on there they are getting shorter aren't they but you know I just feel in the mood for sitting down
11:24oh yeah you notice things like that
11:38but you know wouldn't it be nice if we could just sit down there and watch a film I'd feel but we've got to do a show look why don't you nip off back to Liverpool put on something a bit more jojee
11:41jojee a longer one if possible and and come back and do us one of your really lovely numbers
11:47will you do that yes but can I give you some more thunder and lightning in your ear if it's no trouble love
11:49hey you're getting nearer
12:12i'm going now all right then love
12:14tra tra tra tra tra tra tra
12:23i'd love to chat all night but i've got i've got to see a man about a dog are the dogs there
12:32hello there hello there hello there hello you know when i said i wanted to see a man about a dog
12:39what exactly do you want a dog yes of course what particular type of dog oh any old dog will do
12:47any old dog and how would you like the dog to refer to you as any old man have you absolutely no respect
12:54such a dear intelligent animal well i'm sorry but i didn't realize no see that's the trouble with you
13:00humans but it's a very very fine creature a dog devoid of all vices no smoking no gambling no
13:09drunkenness it's a pity humans can't behave more like them it's just as well they don't 35 lampposts up
13:16my road for a start
13:20don't get me wrong with some of my best friends are dogs but you see miss uh
13:24uh penelope st john course is that uh i knew usually known as bonzo
13:33well maybe you would be well tell me miss bonzo um could i uh could i have a look at a few dogs
13:38certainly not but i might possibly allow a few dogs to have a look at you
13:45you see it isn't a question as to whether you want the dog whether the dog wants you
13:49oh well could you try me out on a few i've got my family tree no no there's no need for that no no
13:56you look reasonably healthy to me nose nice and cold bit thin about the withers
14:05the weathers you wouldn't win any prizes but you hold yourself well would you like to see my teeth
14:12oh one can't very well avoid it can we i am quite satisfied that you are a suitable human for a dog
14:20oh i'm so glad what a relief yes well now first of all we will show you our very very very best dog
14:26he really is the pride and joy of the kennel um Cynthia dear will you let Rasputin of
14:33killie cranky have a teamsy butchers that are oh that are human here oh Rasputin of killie cranky
14:41ah go on have an hour go on have an hour ah no you'll have an hour with the animals come on oh he's
14:48lovely he where's the key the key to wind him up to wind him up well he's not real is he this dog is
14:57the champion of his clothes champion our cat have him for breakfast no i want a watch dog anything you
15:04are doing a Rasputin of killie cranky will be watching i bet he will he didn't get those Popeyes
15:10for nothing did he something must have surprised him that no i want something that will guard the house
15:17well we've never lost a house yet yeah we might lose this lot yeah but look you see if a burglar turns
15:27up i want a dog that's going to fly at his throat not at his big toe but he's a bag of nerves look at
15:32him he's shaking yes no no no he's lovely he's lovely lovely he is but i mean i i'd rather be shown to
15:45something else if you don't mind yes you're probably right he doesn't look a bit like you
15:49well he doesn't look like me does it well we do try to match our little ones to their new parents as
15:55much as possible it saves embarrassment later on you know i wouldn't like him to find out i'm not his
16:03real father you know what do we have that looks like you now let me see um oh yes can you pant a little
16:18i'll try it
16:21ah yes yes yes uh sincere dear show the gentleman to Simba of Shandypaw what sort of a dog looks like me i've
16:29never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life what kind of a dog would look like me i mean i am
16:40like me don't give me all that nothing like me at all look at those ears
16:44look at that have you ever seen a face as long as that have you ever have you ever seen a
16:49yeah i see what you mean yeah yeah well i'm glad you've got the message yes well perhaps we could
16:59um give you the trial period of six months trial period yes well his mother might want him back oh
17:06well i wouldn't want mummy to worry no tell me is he house trained only we've got a very big house i mean a
17:11very big he's a very big dog i'll muck that one up as well didn't i yes well all our doggies are
17:18high strength i can show you oh are they very good we've got a new carpet down you see what's his name
17:22again shangri-la simba the second of shandypaw well it's a bit long for calling him in at night
17:29you imagine standing outside the kitchen door in your bedroom slipper shouting shangri-la simba the
17:33second of shandypaw shangri-la simba the second of shandypaw here boy here boy what's he doing
17:45by the time you get him in it'll be morning
17:52our doggies do not run willy-nilly around the streets no our doggies must be kept indoors oh yes
17:59they must be shown i thought it's shown i thought he said a bit house trained
18:03exhibited oh i see i see he has a long pedigree oh that's probably why he's got long ears there look
18:11look i don't think i want one of these foreign dogs cooking everything in garlic every night
18:15have you got a have you got a british breed a real british breed well this is at croyd k
18:21patrick of chatsport oh it looks more like brian london from blackpool
18:24but he's there i mean he's a good british breed british through and through that's what i want
18:30well actually i'm afraid he has a little indian in him oh really how did you get that he ate one
18:42oh charming charming you know i think he rather fancies you i bet he does
18:46with a few dog biscuits on the side i'd go down well wouldn't i
18:49oh dear you'll find ackroyd kirkpatrick oh a splendid loyal friend yes really oh lovely boy
18:58trustworthy obedient oh yeah lovely boy lovely but remember never serve him mushy food oh no no no no
19:05no never keep him behind closed doors oh no no no no no no never turn your back on him oh no eh
19:14a little indian oh get him off get him off i've ended up with him haven't you got ah hey have an hour
19:23oh he's lovely now what's his name what's his name fred of stepney
19:36you can tell he's a friend from stepney now as soon as i saw him i said to myself that is mine
19:41well that's not true his father's a dachshund actually um they're all rather delicate actually
19:49you see this very very naughty dachshund it was very very late at night you see and nobody was watching
19:57you see and it was all rather a low trick yeah that sounds very very low dog
20:03there there there there there there i said there dear foresight
20:12does that mean i might give you a belt around with us please just what i want to you yes but
20:17what are we going to do about breeding
20:23we oh you mean the dogs
20:25and with a we'll forgive the word mongrel breeding is very complicated you see one has
20:35to mate very carefully adjust the strand readjust the pedigree oh look i've had enough about all
20:40these pedigrees all these great big long names all i want is something that's good fun in the park
20:45gives me a kiss when i come come home and and curls up on me bed at night now what have you got like
20:50that
21:15hello hello again well just before i went to my holiday
21:19i said to the producer of the show i said could i possibly do a song and dance number in the show
21:24you know with a girl and he said oh it should be all right i came back from my holiday and he said
21:29you can do your song and dance number he said but i couldn't get a girl that could sing and dance
21:34so i got one girl that could sing and one girl that could dance i said but that isn't the way
21:38i planned it he said anyway it's cheaper funny fella he's all right in the pub you know but
21:43otherwise purgatory i i can't do you know and there they are over there these little unsuspective
21:48nights it's a shame to tell them you know i don't know what's gonna happen but we'll see girls can
21:55we do the number now the number yes and you are josephine josephine blake blake and alita morrison
22:03alita morrison morrison yes fine well then we're going to do the the song and dance number and good
22:08luck good luck oh you're the singer then yes oh yes yes and you're the dancer yes yes you uh you
22:31sing like a dancer yes and joe you dance like a footballer isn't it a shame because she's quite
22:37you know with it apart from the you know right the way you wear your heart
22:51the way you sip your tea the memory of all that no no they can't take that away from me
23:13no no no they can't take that away from me
23:30we may never never meet again on the monkey road
23:47still i'll always always keep the memory on
23:52the way you hold your knife
24:00the way you dance till three
24:04the way you change my hey hey alita's singing
24:09and joe was doing a little bit of me
24:13you've been getting brucey at it haven't you eh getting brucey at it all right all right
24:17where are you everybody out everybody out
24:31because they have to ring to make the whole thing shine
24:35and you don't think you'll bring it all the time
24:39if the news is
24:40what's the blues is
24:42then you better practice stuff when you want to choose it
24:45because we'll always you can always find a run
24:48and we'll always think you'll bring it all the time
24:57you
24:59do
25:01do
25:18do
25:19Things are swinging, birds are singing, and just why you think those bells are during the ring,
25:38but they have to ring to make the whole thing run.
25:41That's the reason we've been dancing, that's the reason we've been singing,
25:44that's the reason we've been swinging all the time, all the time.
25:49All the time, all the time, let's keep it dancing, singing, and swinging, all the time.
26:13Thank you very much, that was a lot of fun.
26:16Hello, Anita. Oh, well, just a big thank you.
26:20By the way, did you get thunder and lightning in your ears?
26:22No.
26:23Oh.
26:25Thank you, Jo.
26:27Did you get thunder and lightning in your ears?
26:28No.
26:29How's your big toe?
26:30It's fine.
26:31Oh.
26:34Scylla! Scylla!
26:36Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
26:53Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
26:59Oh, I believe in yesterday's suddenly.
27:08I'm not half the girl I used to be.
27:13There's a shadow hanging over me.
27:19Oh, yesterday came suddenly.
27:24Why he had to go, I don't know.
27:33He wouldn't say.
27:35I said something from now, I long for yesterday.
27:50Yesterday.
27:53Long was such an easy game to play.
27:57Now I need a place to hide away.
27:59Now I need a place to hide away.
28:04Oh, I believe in yesterday.
28:10Why he had to go, I don't know.
28:18He wouldn't say.
28:20I said something from now, I long for yesterday.
28:35Yesterday.
28:39Love was such an easy game to play.
28:45I must find a place to hide away.
28:48Oh, I believe in yesterday.
28:51Mm.
28:53Mm.
28:55Mm.
29:01Mm.
29:02Mm.
29:03Mm.
29:06Mm.
29:15Mm.
29:16Yeah, it's not very good.
29:17I'm not the man I used to be
29:24Go from that, just to die
29:27All my shovels seem to fly away
29:32I'm not the man I used to be
29:43Go from that, just to die
29:46I'm not the man I used to be
29:50You wake the wife
29:52You don't think she's asleep in there, do you?
29:58I can see you haven't been married very long
30:01I don't think she will be
30:03No, no, I've been through it all
30:06From ten till twelve, they just sit and fume
30:10From twelve till two, they go all icy cold
30:14And from two on, it's a straight clobber and no message
30:18Hey, what time is it?
30:20Half past clobbering time
30:23Hey, what do you think I ought to do then?
30:28He ought to do, well you better take me in with you, you see
30:32For moral support
30:34And, and, and, where did he go?
30:37I'm there
30:38Oh yeah, and I'll come in and I'll back up your story
30:43Oh, thank you very much
30:44Oh, thank you very much
30:45Yeah
30:46What story?
30:47Well, you know, we went out and play golf
30:49Uh, uh, Virginia water
30:50Ah
30:51And, uh, and we bumped into this chap
30:53It says that we go back to his place for a drink.
31:03For business reasons.
31:05For business reasons?
31:06Yeah.
31:07What's a good idea?
31:08Yeah.
31:09Hey, where does this fellow live?
31:11Penzance.
31:14Penzance?
31:15Well, it takes a long time to get back from Penzance.
31:18Penzance!
31:22Hey, listen, I've got a good idea.
31:25Yes.
31:26You stand there.
31:27Yes.
31:28Don't move.
31:29No.
31:30Don't move.
31:31I'll go in and I'll see if she's up.
31:32And if she is, I'll call you in.
31:34All right?
31:35Don't nod!
31:36You'll upset the balance.
31:38Oh, oh.
31:39Oh.
31:40Oh.
31:41Oh, oh.
31:42Oh, hello, darling.
31:43Hi.
31:44I'm stuck.
31:45I'm stuck.
31:46Keep going over here.
31:47Oh, I'm stuck.
31:48Come in, little girl.
31:49Don't move.
31:50dome.
31:51Oh, oh.
31:52Oh, hello, darling.
31:54I'm going to go here.
31:56I'm going to go here.
31:58I'm going to go here.
32:04Come in, old man.
32:06I got out of here.
32:08I got out of here.
32:10I got out of here.
32:12I got this out of here.
32:14I'm trying to get in here, you know.
32:18I was trying to get this thing.
32:20I was...
32:24How many times have I got to tell you not to polish the mat?
32:30Are you all right, old man?
32:32I'm all right, old man.
32:34My leg's gone a bit stiff.
32:36It must have been that long drive at the fort.
32:40It's your bag.
32:42I laughed.
32:44It's your bag.
32:46No, it's your bag.
32:48I was...
32:50Hey, your voice is going a bit peculiar.
32:52You want to look?
32:54Hey, come on, look.
32:56Hey, tell me what happened.
32:58You have an old argument.
33:00I just settled a golf team.
33:02Do you mind?
33:04Oh!
33:06Oh!
33:08You're greedy, my dear.
33:10Yes, I just thought I'd pop in to tell him I kept Arthur out today.
33:16You see, we were...
33:18We were...
33:19What was our story?
33:20I'll get you out of here.
33:22Hey, shut up.
33:23What happened?
33:24You see, we met a fellow at the golf.
33:26And we...
33:27And we...
33:28And we...
33:29And we...
33:30They invited us back for the...
33:32For the...
33:33A glass of Virginia water.
33:34Aye.
33:35Oh, no.
33:37And then we just stayed for dinner.
33:39Yes.
33:40For dinner!
33:41I see.
33:42Don't go any farther.
33:44Well, that's that.
33:54Now, what did you have for dinner?
33:57Eh?
33:58How old?
33:59For dinner.
34:00How old for dinner?
34:01How old for dinner?
34:02What?
34:03Me.
34:04Chicken frickerflay.
34:05Chicken frickerflay.
34:06Chicken frickerflay.
34:07As did I.
34:14And what did you have for dinner?
34:16Oh, stuffed up.
34:17Ah.
34:18He said chicken frickerflay.
34:21I said chicken's out stuffed with frickerflay.
34:24He was...
34:25He was all chopped up, you see, darling.
34:27Chopped up.
34:28Chopped up.
34:29Chopped up.
34:30That didn't keep you out until three.
34:32Nah.
34:33It was in Penzance.
34:34In Penzance?
34:35Penzance?
34:36I don't believe you.
34:37None do I.
34:38What a stupid chicken's sake.
34:39What a stupid thing you say.
34:40That's the thing you say.
34:41Think of something else.
34:42I'll get you out of trouble.
34:43I'll get you out of trouble.
34:44No, no.
34:45What happened was we went to an hotel.
34:47An hotel?
34:48An hotel.
34:49I see.
34:50Hold it there.
34:58Which hotel?
35:00Eh?
35:01Oh.
35:02Oh, we went to...
35:04The door shut up.
35:05The door shut up.
35:06The door shut up.
35:07The door shut up.
35:11Couldn't we play another game like squeak pitty squeak or something?
35:18And what did you do next?
35:19Oh, we went to the strip club, you see.
35:21Strip club!
35:22Oh, what they're wrong.
35:23I'll go out and cover the door.
35:26Now, we went to this, eh...
35:27The hotel, remember?
35:28What?
35:29The hotel, remember, we went to.
35:30Which hotel?
35:31Yeah, exactly.
35:32Which hotel?
35:33Yeah, exactly.
35:34Which hotel?
35:35Yeah, well, it was the door.
35:37The door we went to, yes.
35:39The, uh...
35:40No, no, we didn't.
35:41We went to the Bronco Hotel, yes.
35:43We went to the...
35:44We went to the...
35:45We went to the...
35:46The atlas.
35:47The, uh...
35:48The door...
35:49Oh, the chest.
35:50The chest.
35:51Yeah, we went to the chest.
35:52The...
35:53The ur-chest.
35:54How did you go?
35:55The door...
35:56The door...
35:57The door...
35:58The chest.
35:59Yeah, the door chest.
36:00Exactly, you see.
36:01Well, on the way back, one of the tiles got the puncture.
36:03A puncture?
36:04Why don't you shut up?
36:05There we are.
36:06All right.
36:12I've got you now.
36:14Which tile?
36:15Oh.
36:16Well, it was...
36:17Why?
36:18The front one.
36:20In the middle, on the right, you've got to have off the street.
36:23Now, look, old Zane, listen to me.
36:25Attack is the best form of defence.
36:27Now, listen.
36:28Where is he?
36:29Where's who?
36:30Don't give me all that.
36:31The man in your room.
36:32The man in my room?
36:33Who says I've got a man in my room?
36:35He does.
36:36Oh, he does, does he?
36:37Tell all the fellas back at work.
36:39He says, while he's out working late every night,
36:41you're back here in this house with the man in your room.
36:45Now, come out, you sneak.
36:47So, that's what he's been saying.
36:49No, no, darling.
36:50You've got to know.
36:51I'll bet you up.
36:52I'll bet you up.
36:53I'll bet you up.
36:54I'll bet you up.
36:55I'll bet you.
36:56I'll bet you.
36:57And I'll tell you another thing.
36:59I never want to be true.
37:09Again.
37:10Again!
37:11And another thing.
37:14And another thing.
37:16Go in.
37:17Go in.
37:18Go in.
37:19Go in.
37:20Go in.
37:21Go in.
37:22Go in.
37:23Go in.
37:24Go in.
37:25Go in.
37:26Go in.
37:27Go in.
37:28Go in.
37:29Go in.
37:30Go in.
37:31Go in.
37:32Go in.
37:33Go in.
37:34Go in.
37:35Go in.
37:36Go in.
37:37Go in.
37:38Go in.
37:39Go in.
37:40Go in.
37:41Go in.
37:42Go in.
37:43Go in.
37:44Go in.
37:45Go in.
37:46Go in.
37:47Go in.
37:48Go in.
37:49Go in.
37:50Go in.
37:51Yesterday, yesterday, I just said I had just want to thank you for the game and I was only too glad to help out.
38:05Yesterday, I was just...
38:21Hello, hello, hello again. Well now it's my pleasure to introduce you to two more guest stars for this evening's show.
38:30They're two young men who I've admired for many, many moons and I know you have as well.
38:34It's the Morgan James duo.
38:42Now lads, I'd like to say this and I mean this very, very sincerely.
38:45I do dig the kind of thing you fellas do. I love the way you sing and I love the way you play.
38:49It's something I've admired for a long, and I really do mean this.
38:52But if you don't mind me saying so, I think there's one thing wrong with your act.
38:56What's that?
38:57You need a pianist.
38:58Well, I think so anyway.
38:59Well, actually in the beginning we thought we would use a pianist, but it means...
39:02I thought you were spending the money three ways.
39:04Yeah, well I'll do it for nothing.
39:06You're in there. Don't look like that. You're in there.
39:12One, two, three, four.
39:19One, one, two, three, four.
39:22One, two, four.
39:25Tall and tan and young and lovely
39:45The girl from Ipanema goes walking
39:49And as she passes, each one she passes goes
39:53Ah, when she walks, she's like a samba
39:59The swing's so cool and sway's so gentle
40:02That when she passes, each one she passes goes
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