00:00I partied and drank throughout my whole pregnancy, and so what?
00:03My stomach was completely flat.
00:07I had no idea a baby was growing inside of me.
00:10And I found out four weeks before I gave birth.
00:13I had to Google how to be a mum.
00:15Like I was so unprepared.
00:17To be honest, I didn't even want to have kids.
00:19Do you hate being a mum?
00:20Yes, I hate being a mum.
00:22You don't want mum to go out.
00:23Look.
00:24Well now she's having a tantrum, like, it's like I can't win.
00:28But don't you think you should be staying home a little bit more, not partying?
00:31It's time to get ready.
00:34It's time for school, Bubbles.
00:36It's time for school.
00:39Hi, my name is Tawana.
00:40I'm 24 years old.
00:41I have one baby.
00:43Oh my God.
00:44Saying that out loud is crazy.
00:46This is River.
00:48This is my two-year-old daughter.
00:49River, say hi.
00:51Having a baby, it's definitely, like, survival mode.
00:56Look, she's running away.
00:57Come Bubbles, let's get ready for school.
00:59I'll give you chocolate.
01:00If you want, we'll go a soft play.
01:01Do you want to go a soft play?
01:02This is, like, the hard bit about motherhood.
01:05Do you always listen to mummy?
01:07No.
01:09That says it all for you.
01:10My relationship with River is more friendship-based compared to other parents.
01:15I feel like there's a lot of things that I would allow River to do that, per se, other parents
01:19wouldn't.
01:20Her getting her nails done or pink hair or, you know, anything.
01:25I'm just more chilled and laid back.
01:27I think she thinks that I'm her sister.
01:29Come, come Bubbles.
01:31Wait, stand up, stand up.
01:32She has a mind of her own and it's like, what do you do?
01:35Like, there's no, like, motherly, like, stop it.
01:37Like, I'm not that parent.
01:39What I went through will always make me feel detached as a mum because I love River with
01:45all my heart, but I just resented the fact that my life changed and I never had a choice.
01:51Hey.
01:51Hi.
01:52How are you?
01:53I'm about to make breakfast, bro.
01:54Hi, Riri.
01:55How are you, Bibi?
01:57Hi.
01:57Morning.
01:58This girl's not listening to anyone.
02:00Oh, she's not listening.
02:00She never listens.
02:02Should we make some Serevita?
02:03Yeah?
02:04Are you going to have me cook it?
02:04Want some breakfast, babes?
02:06OK, come.
02:06I had a cryptic pregnancy.
02:09Some women can, like, not show, like, for me, I did not have the whole belly, I didn't
02:15have the cravings, I didn't gain the weight.
02:19I didn't believe it when she had a baby, like, when you first told me, I couldn't believe
02:23it.
02:23Do you remember how small my stomach was?
02:25Bro, it was flat.
02:27Right here?
02:29That was, you was in there, Riri.
02:32It was in my stomach.
02:32Eight months.
02:33Flat.
02:34Where were you hiding?
02:36The day that I found out I was pregnant, I woke up one day, and I just felt like I
02:41was dying, like, it was like I felt dizzy, I was hyperventilating, like, the room was
02:47moving.
02:47The ambulance came, they took me in, and then the doctor was with a nurse.
02:52And she was like, oh, you know, I've seen this before.
02:54Let's do an ultrasound on her stomach.
02:57I lay down, and I kid you not, the doctors just look at me like, and I'm like, what's
03:04wrong?
03:04Like, how am I dying?
03:06And they're just silent.
03:07And then the doctor sits me up, he says, right, tell me now, you're pregnant.
03:11The problem is, you're going to give birth in roughly four or five weeks.
03:16They flip the screen, and I see a fully formed baby with her hand in her mouth, like this.
03:24And I said, Lord, no way.
03:27You now have a human inside of you that's about to come out.
03:30You have to, like, decide whether or not you want to do an adoption, or you're going to
03:35physically keep this baby.
03:38Like, for two days, I was just crying, I was depressed.
03:42Nobody believed me at all.
03:44And I thought it was a big prank.
03:46And I checked the time, it was February, January times, April footballs weren't there.
03:50Like, she didn't even believe me.
03:51She was like, you knew for a long time, trying to keep it a secret.
03:53I said, no, I did not know.
03:56When I heard that she was going to give her up for adoption, I was like, don't do it.
04:00But at the same time, she was so traumatised.
04:04Like, she never wanted to be a mother.
04:06There was no preparation, no baby shower, just literally about to pop.
04:12What can you do?
04:13Do you remember, I literally had to, like, Google how to be a mum, because it just got
04:17to a point where I was just like, okay, I have to just accept this.
04:19But how do you become something that you've never wanted to become?
04:24I absolutely hate being a mum, but I love my child.
04:28I hate being a mum because I have to be responsible.
04:31If I want to go outside of the house, it's not like, get up and go.
04:35It's get myself ready.
04:37Get River ready.
04:38If I clean up the house, it's going to be a mess in two seconds again.
04:42I hate the fact that I can't be selfish.
04:45Every single thing that I do is for River, because of River.
04:49There's no sense of, okay, what about me?
04:52And what do I want to do?
04:54You know, if you weren't here, Mummy would be getting her body done.
04:57I'd be outside, girl.
04:59We'd be outside together.
05:00We'd be outside together.
05:03Look at her, she's punching me.
05:06Aw, River.
05:07My life before River was crazy.
05:10I was a party girl.
05:12It didn't matter whether it was Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
05:15I wanted to drink.
05:16I wanted to be outside.
05:18I didn't care about anything.
05:20So, I'm going to pick her outfit, because I'm going out later on tonight.
05:24Mummy was pregnant with you when she wore this.
05:26Do you think this is crazy?
05:29You don't think this is crazy?
05:30Do you like it?
05:31I was living my best life.
05:33And then I was pregnant, while doing all of this.
05:36Like, full on pregnant and not knowing.
05:38I was drunk throughout my whole pregnancy.
05:41Like, I was literally drunk every single day.
05:44I don't know how I gave birth to a normal child.
05:47Like, it actually, like, just blows my mind.
05:50I started to post my story online and pregnancy,
05:53because I feel like everybody's always afraid to be judged.
05:57People online say the most ridiculous things.
05:59Like, let me even tell you what they say, because it's actually crazy.
06:03To be honest, this sounds like a lie.
06:04How could you not know that you're pregnant a whole nine months without your period?
06:08You obviously knew.
06:10Well, I didn't know because I was on contraception.
06:12How do you have a period on contraception?
06:14I was, like, on the IUD, which was, like, the arm implant.
06:17So, I had that in my arm since I was, like, 16.
06:20So, I just didn't have a period.
06:23People online are always trying to, like, suss me out and try to, like, accuse me.
06:26Like, how did you not know?
06:28If you don't believe me, okay.
06:30Okay.
06:30I hope it happens to you.
06:31Why are you so proud?
06:33This should be punishable by law.
06:36Neglecting a child's future life and mental health.
06:39They call me a bad mum for drinking throughout my whole pregnancy.
06:42And I don't deserve to even keep my daughter.
06:45Her life is fine.
06:47And her mental health is perfect.
06:49If anything, it's better than a lot more other children's mental health,
06:52because she has a good relationship with her mum.
06:54On the other hand, people still say some really nice stuff to me,
06:57which I really appreciate.
06:58They say stuff like,
07:00Wow, you're a strong mum.
07:02People like you are the reason we need to stop the stigma.
07:06Despite everything you've been through,
07:08you're honestly doing the best job with River.
07:10You're an amazing mumma.
07:12I knew there were some people that were just not going to understand me,
07:16but the fact that there are people that are out there that do understand me
07:19makes me so happy.
07:20Would you like to have more children in the future?
07:23I would definitely never want to have no more children in the future.
07:27I'm not a maternal person.
07:29Even though I'm a mum now, I'm still not maternal.
07:31So I don't have it in me to love two human beings equally.
07:37Guys, I'm going out.
07:40No.
07:41Bubba, I'm going.
07:42You don't want to stay with Noku?
07:45No, you want to stay with mummy.
07:48No.
07:48You don't want mummy to go out?
07:50No.
07:51Well, now she's having a tantrum.
07:53Like, it's like I can't win.
07:55There's other people that are going out in their 20s.
07:57When I go on my phone, like, I'm getting depressed because I'm just at home.
08:01I want to be happy so I can pour into her cup.
08:04How am I going to pour into her cup if I'm not happy?
08:07But don't you think you should be staying home a little bit more, not partying?
08:11No, because it's like, that's what I'm trying to do both.
08:15I am there for my child when she needs me.
08:18She has everything.
08:19She's fully fed.
08:20Do you think mummy deserves a night off?
08:23No.
08:23No.
08:25No, that's right now.
08:27She said no, not right now.
08:29The best thing about being a mum, I'll tell you, is that I get to see her grow.
08:33We're the best friend.
08:35I'm your best friend?
08:37Yeah.
08:37Really?
08:38Yeah.
08:39Oh my goodness.
08:40I like that I get to see my personality through somebody else and I can't even be mad.
08:45Like, when she does something crazy and it's like, oh, okay, I would do that too.
08:49Like, I understand, you know?
08:51Your girl needs a break.
08:53Make sure she's showered and everything.
08:56See you later.
08:57Put her to bed.
08:59Don't get too drunk.
09:00Whatever.
09:00Whatever.
09:02Thank you, girl.
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