Stephen's Never Had To Knock On Wood 2.0

Stephen Colbert is a man of action, not thought. He isn't introspective; he doesn't second-guess things; he's certainly never knocked wood. He's not malicious, just blithely unaware of other people's pain, even when he's causing it. He lives out the principle that ignorance is bliss, surrounded by people who know and think and as a result get hurt: Anderson Cooper, Jon Stewart, his stage manager Bobby, and his intern Meg. He's also oblivious to irony.

I can't seem to write any description that doesn't sound depressing. And yet it's a very energetic song.

Now in all new Version 2.0, featuring Jon on Crossfire and - gasp! - corrected credits.