Miley Cyrus ruined twerking forever! Thanks MTV

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Before Miley Cyrus blew the crack wide open, twerking used to be the rippling, kinetic, booty slapping exercise you kept pent up at the dinner table then let loose on the dance floor till your G-string got caught on some ho's belt buckle. Now thanks to Little Miss Disney-Hams bizarre pinkeye-bear butt bounce party on MTV, now every square with a TV knows that the New Orleans gluteus-greeting is a thing they should talk about with their kids.

The horrors of watching your mother deploy the Macarena to impress your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend, or the cringe you experienced watching your father raise the roof at your Bar Mitzvah; both will pale in comparison to the deep, gut liquefying sense of shame you will experience upon witnessing your aunt with the lazy eye successfully execute a single-but-cheek twerk followed by dropping it like it's hot before an audience of Verizon store employees.

Pouring champagne down the vibrating crack of a Salvadoran exchange student and jawing to Nicky da B might have lost some of its mystique, but sooner or later the real butt afficionados will distinguish themselves from the butt tourists. Like lap dances and stripper poles, the yoga-between-lattes contingent will carry their newfound skills home from the gym and slap out some booty moves for their partners, then be disgusted when they actually like it. Those twerk-out tapes will end up in the trash bin on top of "The Kama Sutra for Dummies", and in browser search histories somewhere below "Is my boyfriend's ass fascination natural?" and "twerk dislocated sacroiliac".

At least we still have daggering.

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